10/4/2008: Aurora, CO – Many of you know that the Bakersfield Bears – Aurora’s false modesty notwithstanding – have somewhere between a snowball’s chance in Hell and a pig’s chance at flight in taking the mighty Borealis down in the upcoming best-of-five series. Aurora is younger, stronger, faster, better … Heck, they’re the Steve Austin of the Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance (except, gentlemen, they’ve already been built and already been made stronger better, and faster).

However, the Bakersfield Bears have a few things Aurora just may find themselves unable to counter. That’s right; we’re talking about lucky charms. Trinkets, talismans, tinctures, tonics, spells, you name it. From our view the only thing missing is a live chicken for sacrifice – but, don’t worry, clubhouse trainer and ex-major leaguer William Hays is scouring Aurora, Colorado for a bucket of the good Colonel’s “secret recipe” as we speak. However, we thought you may be interested in hearing about what everyone else will be packing as the series gets underway.

That imperceptible bulge in left fielder Joseph Lane’s left sock is not a tumor. It’s a guitar pick he got at a recent concert by “Grand Illusion”, also known as Southern California’s number one Styx tribute band. Says Lane, “I got that pick right after they did an encore of ‘Sail Away’, the best (tribute) version I’ve ever heard. Sometimes, when the pressure is really high and the crowd is roaring I take a page out of Orel Hershiser’s book and imagine it’s the sound of an ocean… and, just like that, I’m hearing – no, I am feeling – the magical words of that magical song.”

Right fielder Jude Pew’s back pocket does not only contain a tin of Copenhagen Long Cut, his California Department of Fish and Wildlife duck hunting stamp, and the phone numbers of at least four different ladies who have caught his eyes during the day’s game. It also contains a check which Pew has written to himself and post dated for January 1, 2009, in the sum of thirty million dollars. Remarked Pew, “With every passing day my contract demands go up, but if I can carry this team to a PEBA championship I will definitely become PEBA’s first thirty million dollar man.”

Manager Aric Kinast has taped the box score from the best game of his career to the back of “the book” he’ll use to consult the Aurora team. It’s a little known fact, but in the early 1980’s Kinast hit for the cycle when was an all-star member of the “Indians”, a 10 and under team playing in the renowned Canton Jewish Community Center League.  Says Kinast, “Sure, I was getting gopher balls from some dude’s dad, but that’s not that point. The point is I achieved excellence that day. And I expect my players to bring the same starting tonight.”

Starting Pitcher Ken Johnstone – a noted left-hander, gemologist, and New Ager – has decided to wear shoes three times his normal size so he can fill his toes with gems, geodes and other stones of special powers. Many of them come from the various space-time vortexes he has visit on six different continents, though his favorite one comes from the “V-Rock Shop” in Canton, Ohio. Says Johnstone, “I just need to get my chakra in order and constantly re-orient myself towards a higher plane (as well as home plate).”

Relief Pitcher José Martínez has taken a decidedly different tack: having recently learned about his doppelganger Fred Gwynne and the 1960’s cult classic “The Munsters”, Martínez has taken to it and is now attempting to assume Herman Munster’s identity as his own in order to “gain Herman’s strength and power”. He’s written the words Eddie and Lillian (Herman’s beloved son and wife) on either of his shoes as a form of inspiration and has instructed the Aurora PA announcer to play The Munster’s Theme Song – a delightful mix of surf guitar and schlock hooks – whenever he comes out and pitches.

The last, and by far most tantalizing, rumor regarding the Bears’ reliance on the black arts in their upcoming battle with Aurora regards the front office. Sensing doom, and feeling desperation, rumor has it that Bakersfield has enlisted the help of noted magicians Doug Henning, David Blaine, Hans Klok, Criss Angel, David Copperfield, and Gallagher (or, possibly, his twin brother) to assist the Bears. While little is known about the specifics, it would seem that the Bears are attempting to use magic powers to quickly and temporarily bore holes into the bats of Aurora’s line-up whenever Lou Cunningham, Ed Johnson, José Martínez or Pedro Rosa are pitching. As of press time, Bakersfield had no comment on this plan beyond to point out that Gallagher (or, possibly, his twin brother) has been booked to loosen up the Bears prior to game time. However, in light of Ernest Mathis’ watermelon allergy – one taste and his throat will constrict and he will be dead within 120 seconds – Gallagher has been instructed to leave his melons at home for tonight’s pre-game show (which is why the Bears aren’t picky about which Gallagher appears).

From where we stand, all of these things are going to combine to give the Bears unheard of power, skill, cunning, and luck. Pew will go 4-4 every single game and hit home runs in every other at bat. Johnstone will pitch somewhere between 18-36 perfect innings. Lane will hit for the cycle. On multiple occasions. Each of Kinast’s moves will be flawless. Martínez will throw nothing but strikes, over and over again.

And the Bears will lose the series 3-0.