10/2/2008: London, UK – I thought with it being such groundbreaking news that I, Howard Roarke, should provide follow-up on the big purchase of the London Underground.  As a former member of the CIA Treadstone project I was able to get information the previous press releases didn’t disclose.  My findings illuminate the true intentions behind Sir Richard Branson's acquisition.

The rumblings here in Michigan, as well as nationwide, is why would such an iconic, transcendental, brilliant fellow such as Sir Richard Branson would want to risk his legacy as the owner of everyone’s favorite punch line in the UK, the London Underground?  Part of the answer of this question I discovered via my spare SIM card and SIM reader which I used to copy his cell phone’s cryptographic key.  After I had (and still have) his Virgin Blackberry cloned I was able to read any of the quintillion text messages he received since the afternoon of September 30th.  Before I proceed with this evidence, I would like to inform any unnerved readers by stating that I did acquire an affidavit from the Chancery Division of the London High Court.  How I got it… direct all questions to Badgers GM David Ellison (he knows everybody!).

My conclusion is that Sir Richard bought the London Underground to help speed the desire to expand his Virgin Group Ltd. empire into the biotechnology industry.  It is hard to argue the motive.  Returns for XBI, the quintessential biotechnology exchange traded fund, have exceeded that of the overall US-market (S&P 500) by about sixty percent since 2006.  There is also no other way to justify the statements I found in an intercepted text message he sent to his accountant.

I plan on using the players as test subjects of a new line of powerful tricyclic antidepressants developed by my scientist secretly working alongside those at Virgin Galactic.  These players are based in London and will undoubtedly be depressed (especially Jonathan Cook), plus they also are revenue generating.  I might make money developing a new drug!

However disturbing, this is Sir Branson’s genius at work.  I immediately went to work to gather more information supporting this claim.  The most astounding part, which I later discovered, is the players will be willing participants in the experiments.

The night of September 31st, I infiltrated the Virgin Atlantic Headquarters in Crawley, UK.  To all those interested, earlier in the day while taking a tour of the office – taking advantage of the freedoms of having a press pass, especially at a liberal company such as Sir Branson’s – I was able to implant a flash drive that allowed me remote access to their mainframe, which consequently gave me access to their company intranet.  Scanning the myriads of folders, files, memos, and emails, I stumbled on a folder specifically named “MYnor League Option yearS statEment  entiRe roSter.”  As you are probably thinking, I figured this was absolutely worth a long look.  In the folder there were 33 forms in reverse alphabetical order, starting with Yates, Simon; which stated their individual minor league option details along with the declaration of a small roster bonus for all those on the 40-man roster.  The poor, inexperienced minor leaguers that form the Underground roster proved easy prey, as the form included verbiage along its margins stating in a very ambiguous way that they would allow themselves to be tested upon.  The heady veterans on the team, Juan Valdés and Daron Little, in separate contracts were promised the test would result in a permanent omniscience, and they immediately signed on.

Just another case displaying the need for tough investigative reporting that our league deserves.

Howard Roarke, Kalamazoo beat writer