Fandom in Canton

by Frank Terry, Canton Repository

12/9/2007: Canton, OH – It's hard to be a Canton Longshoremen fan.  The Longshoremen started the season with high hopes and a higher payroll and saw only one of those fall as the year progressed.  As losses mounted, fan interest and attendance waned and Svab Memorial only filled for games against hated Omaha.

The post-season originally looked promising but, all too soon, all-world SS George Riley made his way to West Virginia.  Canton fans, expectedly, were not happy.  GM Brad Dobney realized something had to be done soon.  "Yeah," said the GM, "I decided to do something, and soon."

So along came Canton Fan Days.  Hosted in beautiful Quail Hollow State Park, the Fan Days were a huge hit with Canton fans.  A brief tour seems necessary to fully capture the theme.

Upon entering the park, fans were greeted with a giant blowup of CF Jack Campbell.  Campbell was nearby, signing autographs for kids bored by the long wait in line.  Campbell will soon return to his writing as his wrist is nearly healed from a freak Nintendo Wii incident.

After Campbell and his broken wrist faded into the rearview, fans were met by GM Dobney himself.  Dobney gave a speech on his feeling about scouts (he doesn't like them), stats (he loves them), and the Omaha management (he finds Cyclones’ GM Bryan Dobney “reprehensible”).  Dobney defended many of his moves and signed autographs for the three people that asked.

The Shady Lane Parking Lot was the site of the biggest attraction of the day.  Kidnapped from the hated Omaha Cyclones was Miguel Angel Hernández.  MAH was let loose in the pond area and Canton fans could pay $10 to attempt to run him down with a golf cart.  Predictable results ensued but all had a good time.  Well, most had a good time; Hernández did not seem to take the joke in the manner it was intended.

Next on the list of attractions was a sampling of the new ballpark food.  Spread across the Manor House Field was a tantalizing array of nachos, hot dogs, Rocky Mountain oysters, crab legs, buffalo wings and baby back ribs.  A lot of fat people were converted to fans of the Canton organization on the spot.  Nearby were the doctors of the Akron City Hospital Cardiac Wing.

Another highlight of the day was a $50 raffle to win a date with Christina Milian-Holloway.  As per rules set by her husband, Oscar, the winner was not allowed to proceed past second base or take her out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.  The desperately lovelorn Bryan Dobney purchased 13,000 tickets but lost the raffle to Oscar himself, who bought a ticket as a joke.  No word yet on whether Oscar followed his own rules but it seems doubtful.  A similar raffle for Brad Dobney ended when his mother and his wife agreed to each cook him spaghetti.

The finale came when Milian-Holloway and Kent rock group Amplexus combined to form an unlikely concert that the rock/R&B crowd seemed to enjoy.  Even a chilling rain didn't keep the Canton fans from coming out to support their team.