12/9/2007: Arlington, VA – This article started out as a tribute to the fans of the 'Crats.  You know who you are.  You open the paper during breakfast.  Go straight to the sports page… what?!  No box scores!!!  But I need baseball to make my life whole!!!  This article is for you.

I started out my quest with reliever John(ny) Page.  He spends his off-season as a lobbyist for big tobacco.  No not cigarettes, but smokeless.  "I love my Skoal!!!  This way I get all I want for FREE!!!  Copenhagen is for wimps!!!  If only they let me mud up the ball with this stuff.  I would be un-hittable."

Team doctor Derrek Watson works as an alternate referee/medical consultant for the Southern California High School Cage Fighting League.  Derrek explains, "At least these kids can get their aggression out in a legal way… These kids really get into it.  There's so much blood and gore.  It's great!!!  In a couple seasons I will do this full time and quit baseball altogether."

Manager Rafael Navarro spends his time playing amateur Jai-alai in Miami.  "I wish I could throw the ball this fast when I was growing up in New Orleans.  It's a great way to release all my frustrations from a long season."

Ace pitcher Víctor Matos spends his off-season crocheting blankets for his team-mates… seriously!!!  "I love to knit.  It makes me smile.  I think I'll knit another blanket.  It's a peaceful way to pass time in the off-season.  Our bullpen is literally full of several my creations."

Recently acquired middle infielder Francis Hampton works in the local army recruitment office.  "I grew up in a military family.  Travelling all over the world, I saw places like North Dakota, North Carolina, even Dayton.  It was great!!!  I do whatever I can to get these kids involved in the army.  I have so much joy when I hear about one of my recruits returning from Iraq.  It's even better when they're alive."

Veteran pitcher Gerbrand Bonne spends his off-season a little differently than most.  "I go door-to-door talking to people.  Letting them know how bad the Jehovah's Witnesses are.  I hate those freaks!!!  They're always telling me what to do.  The voices in my head are even Jehovah's Witnesses.  Those Jerks!!!!"

Star outfielder Travis Bunch is addicted to online poker.  "I love the thrill of winning and losing so much fake money.  My two favorite games are War and Omaha High/Low.  There's nothing like a showdown in War."

 Star closer Owen Hinton is an avid fighting catfish owner.  "I love the thrill of one male catfish tearing another to shreds.  The aquatic warriors can really battle.  I host tournaments all the time on my farm in Tennessee.  My teammates love it!!!  Unfortunately the government wants to outlaw the sport, but I will do everything in my power to make sure I have the right to watch catfish kill each other."  After I asked why he would love such a cruel and inhumane activity he had this to say: "Are you kidding me?!  What kind of Nancy-boy are you?!  I am free to do whatever I want with my catfish!!!  GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SICK MY CATFISH ON YOU!!!”

That will be the last time I talk to that fish freak Hinton.  All future interviews with Hinton will now be conducted through the clairvoyant Gerbrand Bonne.  I know we'll all be looking forward to this!!!