From Near Death to Nearly the Top

[Bill]

From Near Death to Nearly the Top*
by Ovaltine Jenkins

Friday, December 19, 2008

*Most of this article is pure fabrication, and what remains of the truth has been so wildly stretched that its own mother wouldn't recognize it

"Seven days," says a misty-eyed Jared Dobney. "I spent almost nine days without measured brain activity.” As has been chronicled elsewhere in this praiseworthy media outlet, Dobney has battle neurological hardships that threatened his ability to participate in the PEBA. For the first time, however, the whole story will be told through interviews with many of Jared's family and friends. Pull the Kleenex close and fasten your emotional seatbelts to this inspiring story of the man described by the PEBA commish John Rodriguez as, "…the other choice... after (Duluth GM) Joel (Dobney)," for the GM who did the most for his team in the Winter Meetings.

For months before that fateful day last fall, Jared had been bothered by consistent pain in his head. "We all have a deep, throbbing pain in our heads when he's around," said supportive brother Bryan. "I thought he had finally gotten to himself the way he gets to us.” But this all changed one horrible night when, whilst coming in from a shower, Jared hit the floor and, "…flopped like an obese albino whale hopelessly beached but yearning for the ocean.” Bryan rushed across the room and, a mere five minutes later, reached his stricken brother. From there, the pair rushed to Jellico Mountain International Neurological Study Center and Hospital Emergency Room (JMINSCH: ER).


At JMINSCH, no conclusive results could be found. The doctors pumped Jared full of a low-grade beaver tranquilizer and sent him back to the dorms. From there, his condition continued to worsen until that fateful weekish-long period of brain inactivity. "He did what now?” asked a stunned Bryan, clearly taken aback by the news as he played with his LEGOS. "It was horrible," commented (Canton GM) Brad Dobney. "He had three guys who I wanted to trade for, but I couldn't swing anything with him in a state beyond comatose.”

Jared's sainted mother, Elaine, watched over him day and night, providing for his every need despite having about 100 other sons. "Day and night she watched over him, providing for his every need," observed Joel. "She's got about 100 other sons, you know.”

Then, like love springing anew, Jared came out of it on February 15th. "It was glorious," said Brad. "I had 2:15pm on 2/15 in the 'Jared comes out of it' pool, and I was within four minutes. Also, I guess I was glad he didn't die.” Brad had March 3rd in the "Jared dies" pool.

Sadly, the road to recovery was winding and apparently susceptible to the occasional multi-car pile up.

By the middle of April, Jared's brain was functioning at nearly 40% of its previous level. Although he was still paralyzed from the chin down, he was fitted for a wheelchair that operated by a pressure tube. He recalls: "It was kind of cool, actually. Anything I wanted to do, from use the loo to run sprints, could be controlled by how I directed my exhalations through this little tube. It was great, until the start of May.” At this point, his eyes fill with tears and he looks down before continuing. "April showers bring May flowers. Apparently they also bring pollens to which I am highly allergic."

A single sneeze down the pressure tube was the Titanic, the Hindenburg, and Waterworld all rolled into one.

"Some of the doctors estimated it set him back 6 months in terms of recovery," said Elaine. And who is to argue? The tube, confused by the unfamiliar stimulus, simultaneously emptied Jared's bladder, bowels, and tear ducts. He was found weeping senselessly in a predictably disgusting state some four days later by Bryan. "We were back at school at that time," he explains. "I checked him every week.” Jared recalls the episode as "pretty gross.” Despite the sneeze and against all odds, Jared was able to play slow pitch softball for his regular church team this summer, batting somewhere in the neighborhood of .800 while maiming three pitchers and a left-center fielder with line drives.

"Seriously though, there were parts of the year he just didn't remember," reported Brad. "It's good to be able to tell him something once and have him remember it all conversation.” Says Joel: "He's not smart, but he's strong as an ox. If the PEBA is ever invaded by another sovereign league, I pity the fool whose job it is to take down Yuma. I'm not sure how that helps him as a GM, but it's good to have him back.” When reached for comment, Bryan said, "I'm an unstoppable rebel force. You can contain me, you can't control me, I'm the best there is. Don't even try me. You think I care, dog? I don't care.” He continued for several minutes, but this intrepid reporter began ignoring him.

Which brings us full circle. Yuma surely stands to benefit by its GM's returning to action full-time. The Winter Meetings gave him a chance to flex his front-office muscle, swinging deals to add youth and shore up his rotation while cutting salary and building for the future. If he can continue to show this kind of dedication to his craft and savvy under the gun while avoiding another sneeze-level setback, he could live up to the prognostication of John Rodriguez and surmount Bryan and Brad, coming up behind Joel as indeed the second-best PEBA Dobney

[Coqui]

Completely and utterly awesome. I laughed until I cried. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Dobney family in all our glory.

[John]

Jared Dobney was our co-winner of the 2007 Executive of the Year award, and you can see why after reading this article. By rights he shouldn't even be here anymore. Who would have blamed him for dropping this league given everything he was dealing with? He's stuck with it, though, and there are plenty of signs that things are turning around in Yuma. I stand by my assertion that Jared had one of the most successful showings at the Winter Meetings. I'm happy for the team, even happier for Jared and his family. We're glad to have you with us, Jare.

[Arroyos]

John, I am glad to be here too.
Joel, disturbing. Deeply disturbing, but also hilarious! Good one; and I will one day best you for the #1 spot.