Rios, Gunter Gone! "Lock Away Your Daughters"!

[Maulers]

Manchester Boutique

L.H. Thompson

Continuing the inexplicable dialectic of ying-yang that defines Manchester Maulers baseball, Maulers GM Jeff Dudas has, on subsequent days, first exalted and, then, demoralized the few remaining fans of this decrepit franchise. In what can only be described as an exercise in self-flogging, New Jersey GM Matt Fuller agreed to take on the remaining $40-plus million owed to franchise millstone Daniel Rios (and some other guys). Even more shocking, in return for the privilege of seeing Rios "play" baseball in New Jersey, Fuller agreed to send back to Manchester actual baseball players.

Dudas's joy over the deal was contagious, even infecting an otherwise-moribund fanbase that has not been so excited since Kirky Gibson threatened to beat Onne Adriaanse's ass with a stick. Following the announcement of the deal, Dudas was overheard comparing Fuller to an elected official from some backwater state who "is totally in over their head." And then this : "And Rios, ha! Getting rid of that cad means that I won't have to pay for extra grounds-keeping to pick up all the roses that the ladies toss at his feet! They better be careful with this guy in New Jersey; he's a real Casanova!"

This deal stunk, I decided. Refusing to believe that Dudas is capable of outsmarting anyone, I phoned Fuller to get the complete story. "Is it possible," I began gingerly, "that Dudas got the better of you?" "Christ, that guy?" Fuller asked. "He's got some kind of emotional disorder, doesn't he? He's always spouting inanities about hippies. Was he even alive when Woodstock took place?" I delved deeper. "Then why make the deal?" "Truthfully," Fuller confided, "Rios has certain talents that are needed in New Jersey."

Certain talents?!? Having watched Rios play for the previous two seasons, I could personally attest to his total incompetence on the diamond. (Not that the ladies in attendance ever seemed to mind this monument to ineptitude. For it was frequently overheard from such ladies that one could "bounce a quarter off" Rios's ass.)

"Yes," Fuller continued, "this guy is going to offer us the sex appeal with the female demographic that we've been lacking. I mean, come on, have you seen a picture of Dan Schaffner?" Fuller then described to me his newest marketing advance: "It's great; we've got a whole line of clothes coming out for 'Daniel's Dames'! Just wait, he's going to take New Jersey by storm!" Clever, to be sure. Whether such a ploy will make up for the $40 million that it's costing Fuller is, however, an open question.

One may have thought that, having saved the Maulers massive amounts of cash and having invigorated the fanbase, Dudas would have been content. Instead, Dudas blunted whatever goodwill that he had earned with fans by delivering to them a true shit sandwich: "We regret to announce," began the press release, "that we have been unable to reach an agreement on a contract extension with Mark Gunter. We wish Mark the best of luck in his future endeavors."

Now, this is no loss as far as I'm concerned. If it means that I don't have to suffer through that maudlin John Mellencamp song anymore, it's all to the good. But Gunter just happened to be the most popular player on the Maulers squad and most observers had assumed that Dudas would be forced to resign him - at the pain of massive revolt. Smug, however, with having pulled a rabbit from the hat in the Rios deal, Dudas took the opportunity to cast off Gunter. "I never liked him," Dudas was overheard saying. "Isn't John Mellencamp a dirty hippie, anyway?"

The response to losing Gunter has not been good. Long-time fans are promising to cancel their season tickets, and merchandise has already undergone a precipitous decline. It may soon get ugly in Manchester.

It is unclear just how much abuse and debasement one group of people can take, and still come back for more. Otherwise insufferable, give Dudas credit for this: he's committed to finding out.

[Coqui]

That last line makes the article. Well done.

[Tyler]

Very entertaining.

[Maulers]

Thanks!