The Mothership

[Cole]

"The Mothership"

9/26/2008: Kalamazoo, MI

I had an interview with the new Kalamazoo Badger GM David Ellison the other day, and he is a unique GM as I have ever talked to. I figure this the perfect chance to shed light upon him for those interested in Kalamazoo, MI and the PEBA.

HR: What do you think of your new surrounding in Kalamazoo?

DE: Kalamazoo….hmmm….well it has a lot of old strip malls and Western Michigan University. The downtown is small and surrounding area is poor, blue-collar, and normally unexciting. The decision-makers are conservative. Most of the city is geared toward satisfying the needs of young soon-to-be average citizens that populate the campus of WMU. Not too many adults to share in my interest of inter-dimensional extrapolation of the prospective outcomes due to tertiary probabilities of the Badger’s performance.

HR: That is a lot of information for only two days.

DE: Well most people don’t know this but I spent a couple years as a student, no rather say a willing tester of chemical compounds, at WMU. I don’t give the school or city much credit, but that is where I first began to postulate the ambiguities of reality and had mitosis of consciousness between the realm of Earth and space.

HR: So you think outside the box. That seems like a good trait for the tough job ahead. What was life like before you became the Kalamazoo Badger’s GM?


DE: I am pretty sure it’s like most other people. Some time while I was a young adult I had a micro-chip placed into my brain to document extreme neural activity. Through the next decade I was continually faced with surprise happenings or “experiments,” as viewed by the conductors of the project. I guess their goal was to track my response to given stimuli and situations.

HR: That is normal…I guess. Are these experiments ongoing?

DE: No, the conductors now have a substantial sample of data, and recently there became no need to continue the evaluation. Through time, though, I also discovered a way to shutdown my brain to halt the electromagnetic energy that was keeping the microchip operative. So I am actually not sure if the former or the latter was the reason for the conclusion of the study.

HR: Wow! You know this is on the record!? “What can you tell me about your management style?

DE: It’s really simple. First, I stare at the written statistics and financial figures without blinking for an hour, which grants me the slight ability of foresight. At that point, my eyes are dry and tired, and my hippocampus is properly expanded and exhausted. And consequently, I immediately fall asleep on the data. Through doing this, I have discovered that as I am sleeping my drool mixes with the numbers and seeps into my pores. When I awaken, I can see the numbers floating around in the air surrounding me. At that point, I can manipulate, calculate, or terminate contracts and obligations with extreme precision.

I also have methods for interacting with the players and members of my staff. Do you want to know my secret?

HR: Of course.

DE: I try to stand close to them as possible, making sure that I am slightly shaking. From experience, I find that this makes whoever I am dealing with give me very short answers to my questions. And if the person asks me a question, I look up, turn 720 degrees, and consult with the Mothership for the correct answer(s). It is important to be totally informative. For example, one of my favorite players in our organization, Bobby Hartle, asked me, “What is our team’s average salary?” So I told him, 3,050,070 Swiss Francs, 348,698,900 Yen, 1,644,151 Sterling, 135,592,625 Rupees, 29,224,350 Birr, 5,060,410 Real… At some point he walked away. Next time I ran into him, I made sure to get to get extra close and add a smidgeon to my shaking to indicate importance, and briefed him on the impending destruction of Kalamazoo, especially Western Michigan by the Mothership’s legion of ludicrous speed, tantalum armored, nuclear capable Starships if I did not give justice to the Mothership’s calculative and intellectual might.

HR: Well…I can see why you are so effective. You mentioned Starhips last time we spoke as your chosen new nickname for the Kalamazoo franchise. Did the Mothership make you?

DE: The Mothership deserves credit for me getting to this point. How else did you think I got through school?

Howard Roarke, Kalamazoo beat writer

[John]

So the plan seems to be for an off-season name change for Kalamazoo, going from "Badgers" to "Starships". I'm curious what the peanut gallery thinks of the new name? I like the logo David acme up with - if you haven't seen it, check the full article on the homepage.

[Duane]

I think Bill has been on the mothership this past Summer. He was in West Virginia, it after a girls softball game that he and the coach and some mothers all went to a club ... can't remember the name he mentioned in his text message, maybe the Ship Yard or Mother's or something like that. Anywhooooo, he raved about the far-out decor and awesome mind-altering concoctions which he gladly purchased for his 'friends'. Hope this helps....

[Denny]

For example, one of my favorite players in our organization, Bobby Hartle, asked me, “What is our team’s average salary?” So I told him, 3,050,070 Swiss Francs, 348,698,900 Yen, 1,644,151 Sterling, 135,592,625 Rupees, 29,224,350 Birr, 5,060,410 Real…

We call that "makin' rupee"