Making Waves

[Paul Moots]

Press Release from new Fisherman ownership group

The new ownership group of Fingerhut and Fingerhut announced sweeping policy changes today. In an unprecedented move aimed to boost player's on-field performance, the rookie management group announced a groundbreaking new attendance policy. No longer are players' wives and mother-in-laws allowed at home games. Further, management explained the ban would apply to team-issued away game tickets as well.

"I couldn't be happier!" exuded 2nd baseman Glen Ganey. "Until today, the only place I could escape my wife's constant nagging was the clubhouse bathroom." Other players confirmed the unanimous support. "The new owners may not know a lick about baseball, but they sure know how to keep their players happy," stated catcher Lorenzo Torres. Team co-owner David Fingerhut stated, "We're considering widening the ban to fiancées as well, but most fiancées aren't that annoying yet. It takes a few years to become really annoying."

The new owners allegedly have toyed with the idea of a female ban of all home games except for lesbians and current and former Division I athletes. Added David Fingerhut, "Most women don't know much about the game and complain throughout most of it anyway. However, our market research shows men drink more beer when their wives and female friends are in attendance – possibly to numb the noise – so we're likely not going to expand the ban. We're not idiots."

Co-owner Benjamin Fingerhut remarked, "We're very excited to be given the opportunity to buy into such a fine baseball league and franchise. Our progressive attendance policy is just the first step to modernizing our franchise. We expect big things from this team and wonderful city. We hope to give something back as well." The press conference ended with a Gloucester spokesperson announcing a $1.50 ticket price increase effective immediately.

[John]

This policy would not fly in New Jersey, what with Jessica Biel and Cristina Millian-Holloway hanging around (and fighting one another).

[Hitmen]

New Jersey not only allows wives, but encourages them to show up. The attractive ones, at least.