Cal-tastrophe

[Hitmen]

By Tony Contralto
7/13/2008


Churchill 1, Kentucky – The swooning Hitmen were dealt another severe blow as LF Cal Edwards was injured during the second inning of today’s 3-1 loss to the Kentucky Thoroughbreds. Initial reports show that Edwards has torn a rib cage muscle and will miss 6 weeks of action as the season heads into the summer pennant race. However, the injury is not notable simply due to its timing, but also due to the alleged circumstances.

The incident appears to have had its beginnings back on April 30th when Kentucky’s Jorge Sánchez threw inside to Edwards on his way to being knocked out by the Hitmen offense after just three innings. Cal didn’t take too kindly to the chin music, and after the game he took the opportunity to express his displeasure as he tossed out a few choice remarks about the poor performance of Sánchez followed by general disparagement of Jorge’s lineage.

Sánchez had no comment at the time, but that was not abnormal for the 31-year-old Costa Rican, who gives no press interviews and speaks to reporters only through his team’s media information director. The experienced journeyman is well-known around the league not only for his devastating-but-inconsistent splitter, but also for his insistence on following Haitian voodoo rituals prior to games. His off-season trade to the Thoroughbreds was at first thought to be a joke; front offices around the league remarked how Jorge must not have realized that the only chickens in Kentucky are deep fried. However, his teammates have allowed the quirky right-hander to follow whatever routine he wants as long as he continues to pitch well.

Thus, when the Hitmen rode into Kentucky to face Sánchez once again, no one felt there would be any lingering problems. All appeared to be well as Edwards led off the 2nd inning with a walk. Tossing his 38-ounce ash away like a toothpick, he ambled down to first base, only to be seen jawing to Kentucky pitcher Jorge Sánchez on his way down the line. The pitcher, as is his wont, refused to even turn to look at the powerful left fielder, simply reaching behind the pitching rubber to grab the rosin bag as Thoroughbreds first baseman Ignacio Lópes confronted Edwards, appearing to bump the Hitmen cleanup hitter.

Almost immediately, Edwards began grimacing and clutching his rib cage as the umpires separated the players. Hitmen trainer Tynan David sprinted out from the visitor’s dugout, followed quickly by manager Tracy Evans. As David examined Edwards, Evans loudly argued with first base umpire Ron Luciano that Lópes should be tossed for injuring the star left fielder. Luciano argued back – and replays seemed to support him – that Lópes made no contact with Edwards and that Cal appeared to be a better actor than his rumored girlfriend, Jessica Biel. Home plate umpire George “One Eye In” Moriarty quickly stepped in to end that discussion, but the Hitmen still insist (according to the press release announcing the injury) that Edwards was injured in a “collision” at first base.

Nevertheless, inside sources have revealed that they believe Sánchez was not reaching for the rosin bag, as first suspected; rather, he was pitching with a voodoo doll lying in the grass behind the mound. The rum-soaked pwen is reportedly named Jobú, and a close examination of a videotape of the incident appears to reveal Jorge quickly rubbing and tearing at the rib cage of the doll, and not rosining his pitching hand.

However, that was not the end of the curse of Jobú. After Peña gave up what turned out to be a game-winning double to Morihiro Takaki in the 8th, he too was seen grabbing the rosin bag. Ignacio Lopés, the next scheduled hitter, abruptly became violently ill on the on-deck circle and had to be replaced by Ron Dawson. However, no clear evidence has been found to suggest that Peña had access to Jobú, and even if he did his power is limited. While Dawson grounded out, the Thoroughbreds later added an insurance run and Lopés appears none the worse for wear.

When Edwards was approached after the game about possible black magic involvement in his injury, he would have none of it. “That [sorry] excuse for a [fornicating] pitcher couldn’t stop me with his stuff or any [higher power cursed] magic. And don’t worry; Lopés will get his too. Hopefully I’ll be back in a few weeks when they come to our place next month but, if not, you can bet I’ll be back here in September. I may just have to lay down a bunt so we get a close play at first.” At this point, manager Tracy Evans called off the interview, citing the club’s policy of omerta. However, he was overheard whispering to his star left fielder that “things will be taken care of”.

Bill Shatner has thus far been unavailable for comment, although various sources have scoured the girls’ softball fields of West Virginia. Of course, they only went to the high school and college fields, not the middle school parks.

[Duane]

This is awesome ....

[John]

Borrowing from Tyler here...

[Hitmen]

Is very bad to steal my rum