After sweeping the Predictions Awards this season, Yuma has a reputation to maintain. Simply following out hunches will no longer suffice. We need data! So we turned to the ultimate statistical genius, Annette Choi, famed for her
charting and analysis of foul balls.
We chatted with Choi about the PEBAverse and OOTP and Michael Topham, who she claims her mother dated in grad school. As we all know, OOTP is very stingy when it comes to data about foul balls. Occasionally, we learn that one has been hit or caught, but at no time do the wizards of OOTP reveal to us poor statistic-starving managers how many foul balls a batter hits or how many reach the stands or where in the stands most foul balls land. Choi's research does that, and more.
So, suffice to say, having met with the Queen of Foul Balls, we can now draw reliable conclusions about the coming season.
Drum roll, please.
Imperial League
Seaboard
1. W. Virginia
2. Arlington
3. Manchester
4. New Jersey
*(Hartford, you'll notice, is missing. The Harpoons will suffer one of the worst seasons in PEBA history, losing more games than the Arroyos by the All-Star break. Financially, they will be bankrupted by an owner who absconds with the team's funds in order to run for the US Presidency. When their paychecks cease to arrive, the players will vote to strike, and they will stay on strike for the remainder of the season.)
Dixie
1. Kentucky
2. New Orleans
3. San Antonio
4. Charleston
*(Florida will lead the entire PEBA going into the All-Star break, but the players tire of being called the Fart-riders, a nickname even their fans adopt. Whoopy cushions are given out as promotions, and instead of walk-up music, Florida's players have to endure walk-up fart sounds. They rebel and refuse to play, effectively joining the Hartford strike for very different reasons.)
Trans Atlantic
1. Gloucester
*(The Fishermen are the only team to complete the season in the TransAtlantic division. The Scottish boys join the Hartford strike the moment they hear of it. They slowly, but effectively, shame the London team into eventually joining the strike. In San Juan, the players are divided over joining the strike, which outrages the owner, who fires every player who voted to strike, which compels the rest of the team to go on strike. In Havana--well, a little background: Cuba's President Miguel Díaz-Canel is forced out of office by Che Guevara's grand son, who has raised a revolutionary army to restore the republic. The fact that Cuba has never been a republic doesn't seem to occur to Che, Jr. Once in power, Che, Jr., abolishes all nationalized businesses, including baseball. The Leones players are banished by Cuba and find themselves stranded in the U.S., where, after a few days of moping about their sad lives, they decide to reinvent the Negro Leagues, inviting players of color to join them. No white players are invited. And finally, in Amsterdam, the Afsluitdijk Dike bursts and floods the entire country, including the Lions' baseball offices and stadium.That ended their season. Strangely, none of the Lions players heard about the strike.)
Sovereign League
Great Lakes
1. Kalamazoo
2. Fargo
3. Duluth
4. Madison
5. Crystal Lake* (The Sandgnats voted to join the strike, but their avaricious owner threatened to drain all the expensive water--purchased from Yuma--out of the lake. The entire city protested. The players thought it wise to continue playing baseball, but their hearts weren't in it.)
Desert Hills
1. Aurora
2. Tempe
3. Bakersfield
*(The teams from Yuma, Reno and Palm Springs not only supported the strike, they decided to form a new league, The Maverick Ballplayers League, owned and operated entirely by the players. No deep-pocket investors, no General Managers, no money-grubbing Agents--just ballplayers playing for the joy of the game and dividing up the gate receipts at the end of each game. In time, the new Maverick League may challenge the remnants of the PEBAverse in the imagination of baseball enthusiasts.)
Rising Sun
1. Toyoma
2.Niihama-shi
3. Shin Seiki
4. Okinawa
5. Neo Tokyo
*(The Rising Sun players heard about the strike but didn't take it seriously. Their seasons were concluded uneventfully.)
Postseason
The Commission of the PEBAverse decided, wisely, that a shortened Postseason would be wise. The first place teams in each remaining division were invited to play in a round-robin tournament. Only West Virginia, Aurora and Toyoma showed up. The Toyoma Wind Dancers beat the Alleghenies and the Borealis beat the Wind Dancers. With few watching, and fewer caring, the Commissioner awarded the once valued, now suspect, Rodriguez Cup to his own team, the Borealis. Cynics and conspiracy lovers shouted "Foul!," accusing the Commissioner of rigging the entire season so the Borealis could win. The Commish denied it, of course, but gave in to public pressure and resigned.
No one volunteered to replace him, and as we report these sad events, the fate of the PEBAverse remains uncertain.
