Hott Discusses Post-Baseball Plans, Exits Shirtless

[Ghosts]

Duluth, Michigan - December 10, 2033

Upon announcing his retirement, Steve Hott was asked a standard question, ”What's next?” His first answer was expected: while he
would no longer be playing the game professionally, he could never walk away from baseball entirely. It's only a matter of time before baseball is blessed with coach Steve Hott. Without being prompted however, Hott followed up that response with another: the Appalachian Trail.

“It's always been a dream of mine to walk the Appalachian Trail,” Hott announced. “that's why I will begin doing so immediately.”

Reporter Alexander Mackenzie Van Shastin dug deeper. As an avid and self-described outdoorsman, Alexander new just how challenging Hott's new venture could be. While thru-hikers have increased in number steadily over the last several decades, it is a physically and logistically demanding task, as the Appalachian National Scenic Trail extends from Springer Mountain in Georgia all the way to Mount Katahdin in Maine. The trail passes through 14 states and takes months to traverse.

“Do you plan to hike the entire path?” Alex asked.

“Steve Hott ain't no quitter,” the 35-year-old retiree quipped with a wink.

“Will you be traveling northbound or southbound? And when do you plan to launch?” Alex continued.

“Well, I don't have anything going on tomorrow, I don't think. So maybe tomorrow? I think I probably need some new shoes. I want a backpack, one of them cool ones with a straw in it. I could put like Gatorade or fruit punch in there. Then when I have to pee, I’ll just pee outside.”

Aghast at the clear lack of planning and forethought, Shastin paused to consider how to proceed. On one hand, this was supposed to be a quick follow up question on top of a short piece to honor the man. On the other hand, the danger to his well-being seemed very real. After a moment of hesitation, Alex continued, “Have you consulted any guides or experts? Typically, people spend months planning a full hike of the trail. There need to be plans to pick up food and careful consideration of the elements. Also, as I'm sure you're aware, the trail is closed now since it's Winter, and also doesn’t run through Michigan. Will you be launching in the Spring, perhaps from Maine?”

“Hey man I just said I'll probably go tomorrow, get off it. And you're saying the outdoors is closed now? Like if I try to go to the trail my door won't open? You sound like a real idiot. It ain't hard to go walk man. And like, I'm an athlete, so my walking is probably a lot more like you're running.” Hott stretched his arm across his body and yawned, his eyes unfocused.

The roar of laughter overtaking the room would normally have made Alex feel sorry for the man, but as he read the room, Alex wondered if his colleagues were laughing at him or with him. Flustered, he quipped back, “Sir, you're aware the trail is over 2000 miles long, right?”

Hott Stared at the man before responding, “You think Steve Hott can’t handle a walk? I AM A PEBA LEGEND. I’m the man that’s so hot his nickname is STEVE HOTT! Tell you what little man, I’m about to stomp straight down the Appalachian Trail right the hell NOW. And I’m going to set a record for the fastest finish EVER. Whatcha think about that, son?”

“Mr. Hott, I assure you I’m not doubting your ability, it’s just that enduring a 2000 mile hike during the Winter with no gear seems dangerous, wouldn’t you agree?” Alexander was genuinely concerned for a number of things at this point: his job, Steve Hott’s mental and physical well-being, and his own safety, too. Something in Hott’s eyes made him look… mad.

“STEVE HOTT DOESN’T GET COLD, BOY, STEVE HOTT IS THE HOTTNESS. STEVE HOTT USES BEAR MACE AND GUNPOWDER TO SEASON HIS STEAK. STEVE HOTT SHOWERS IN KEROSENE AND WHEN HE FEELS LIKE COOLING OFF, LIGHTS IT ON FIRE. WHEN I STARE AT THE SUN, IT HIDES BEHIND THE MOON. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR ECLIPSES.”

Alexander Mackenzie Van Shastin stood flummoxed. He knew that anything he said or did would simply exacerbate the situation, and so he simply turned and walked, briskly, out of the room.

“HEY WHERE YOU GOIN’, TURBO? YOU GET BACK HERE AND YOU FACE STEVE HOTT IN HIS FACE! NOBODY WALKS AWAY FROM STEVE HOTT. THE LAST THING TO WALK AWAY FROM STEVE HOTT WAS THE DINOSAURS AND YOU DON’T SEE NONE OF THEM ‘ROUND HERE DO YA?”

Now sweating profusely, Steve Hott tore at his Duluth Warriors jersey, at first breaking three buttons, and tearing repeatedly, getting a new button every other attempt or so, before finally completing the job and slamming it to the ground. The bare-chested man, diaphoretic and splotched in white and red rage, then announced to no one in particular, “STEVE HOTT WILL COMMENCE HIS JOURNEY NOW.”

He moved with an exaggerated gait, stomping toward the exit and kicking open the door, before running across the snow-covered parking lot and into the surrounding woods.


EDITOR’S NOTE: Steve Hott has not been seen or heard from in 48 hours since exiting his retirement interview. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact the Duluth Police Department.

[Sandgnats]

[Borealis]

Sure sounds like Steve "Steve 'Steve Hott' Hott" Hott is channeling another PEBA legend - perhaps there is more to this story...

[Ghosts]

Indeed there is! I'm hoping others add to the lore in this continuing story.

[Sandgnats]

It's the story that never ends