A Crock of Gunt: Henry Cluett
KOA Radio 650
Mark Gunter, George Crocker & Henry Cluett
January 24, 2033: London, England – Aurora's broadcast team of Mark Gunter and George Crocker join Aurora starting pitcher Henry Cluett at the Battersea Chess Club, as they travel to Cluett’s offseason home in London for an interview to be used during a broadcast in an upcoming spring training game.
We join this interview already in progress…
Crocker: QUEEN’S GAMBIT!!! Did you see that, Markie-Mark?? He used the Queen’s Gambit!
(The crowd, as sparse as it may be, turned once more and glared at George Crocker – again. Not so softly, one gentleman could be heard saying, “Dumbass American…”)
Gunter & Cluett: (in unison, in a low voice) George… HUSH!!!
Crocker: (softly now) Sorry ‘Plummy’, I just always get excited watching chess… it get’s my inner demon’s all green with envy. I wish they would let me play…
Cluett: You don’t have the patience in you, George. In chess, it’s like bing in a library - you must be quiet, you must be patient, you must be…
Crocker: (impatiently) I know… Like a tiger on the prowl, the peacock in his sights… ready to pounce…
Gunter: C’mon George… You don’t know anything about chess. Really, now… Do you even know who goes first?
Crocker: Oh… Mark-O’Rama… Of course, I do… I was in the chess club in high school – I was club champion, and then I was city champion, then I was PEBA champion – then in Bogata I was the Columbian champion! From gyms, to ballrooms, to stadiums…
Cluett: You’re avoiding the question, George…
Crocker: OK, ‘Prof’, everyone knows white goes first – EVERYONE!!
(and EVERYONE looks over at George Crocker and shushes him)
Crocker: (looking around at everyone) OK… OK!!! (whispers) And black goes second – unless you are playing with one of those white vs. red sets – you know, the one that has a crimson king – but I really think it’s scarlet.
(a security guard – dressed more like a butler or maître d’ comes up to our friends)
Security: I am sorry to put you out of ways, but I will have to ask you to leave the premises. Thank you.
Gunter: (standing to leave) Thanks, George…
Crocker: Don’t worry Money – they won’t take us easily – I’ll give them the Sicilian Defence! That’s stops them in their tracks every time!
Cluett: C’mon George… Let’s get something to eat. A little fish and chips, perhaps?
Crocker: (following Gunter and Cluett to the door) Nah… How about a dog? They have any hot dogs in the country?
Gunter: I think they are more into sausage here, George. Bangers and all that.
Crocker: Nah… I want a good old fashion AMERICAN hot dog – and mustard, you know – Oscar Mayer and all… That’s how I love my dogs. Ever take yourself down to the kitchen in the middle of the night for one of those, Markarena?
Gunter: (ignoring George Crocker, as he is so used to doing) So tell us, Henry, how did you get into chess?
Cluett: Well, growing up we were really into board games – sure, we could have played computer games, or Playstation games – but for some reason, we found the board game – real dice in the hand, much more enjoyable and…
Crocker: Nice… Dice, Dice, Baby!! Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’ dem dice!! Were you a Park Place kind of a guy or a Starry Night dude? (looks at Gunter) I bet ol’ Professor Plum here was a ‘gammon king!
Cluett: What we really liked was Cluedo – with their being six of us, growing up, we had a natural liking to the game. We each had our usual spot. Claire was Miss Scarlet, William was Colonel Mustard, Helena was Mr. Green – she always liked being men…
Gunter: I’m starting to see the light…
Cluett: You guessed it (makes a fist and points his thumb up at himself)… I was always Professor Plum. It wasn’t until I was 20, playing for Osakasayama – you know, Toyama’s short A club, when the nickname came about…
Crocker: Clue?? In Japan?? Holy Sushi Roll, Batman?? How does that work out? Shouldn’t you be like the Gomoku Master or Mahjong General?
Cluett: You’d think, but in that little park in Osaka, that’s what was lying around – and with those rain delays… By force of habit, I always grabbed the purple token… it wasn’t long before I was ‘Ume kyōju’ - ‘Professor Plum-san’.
Gunter: Kinda long… Doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely. Kinda clunky in the dugout…
Cluett: Right? Gotta love that…
(Mark Gunter, George Crocker and Henry Cluett stop at a roadside stand on the edge of Battersea Park – just across the Thames from Chelsea, to collect some chips and dogs. This is where our tale takes a pause)
