Formerly the Bulldozers

[Arroyos]

Formerly the Bulldozers


Pleased with himself after rolling so many heads, as he put it, Yuma’s owner Taffy Slummings called a local PR agency and got the ball rolling on the selection of a new name for the beleaguered Yuma baseball franchise.

“Formerly the Bulldozers,” Slummings said aloud, practicing his speech to season ticket holders when he would announce the new name. “Formerly,” he said again, “I like that.”

Yuma logo pic.png

Slummings took the elevator from the owner’s box high above the Yuma stadium —“Formerly John Deer Stadium,” the owner said aloud, emphasizing the formerly and smiling while he said it— and then walked down the back stairwell, marked DO NOT ENTER, which led from the elevator to the first floor, where the Yuma Baseball Club offices were. He unlocked the door marked PRIVATE and stepped into the GM’s office, the vacant GM’s office. His Acting GM, whom he thought of as his real GM, refused to occupy the office, saying it still belonged to the GM currently residing in the Camarillo State Hospital, the one Slummings called The Whack Case.

From the GM’s office he entered the main office space of the baseball club formerly known as the Bulldozers and ran right into Roberta Tipitina, his Acting GM.

“Fancy meeting you here,” she said, pleased to see him.

“I came down here just to persuade you to move into this office,” Slummings said, gesturing to the empty GM office behind him.

“No, you didn’t,” Roberta said with a smile. “And no, I won’t. So what’d you really come down here for?”

“New name,” Slummings said striding across the office. He pulled the sign off the bulletin board that said “Bulldozers,” and announced to everyone in the office, “We’re having a contest. Inviting the fans to submit new names for our team. Put a box out somewhere and put every name anyone sends in into it. Next week we’ll sit here together and pull ‘em out one by one until we find one we can all agree on. Got it?”

“We’re judging the contest?” Roberta asked.

“Who better?” Slummings said. “‘Sides, we gotta have a name we can live with.”

“Can we submit names?” the mail clerk asked.

“‘Course you can,” Slummings said grandly. “Anyone can. You got a good name, pop it in the box.”

“What’s the prize?” Roberta’s assistant, Denise, asked.

“Season tickets.”

The office staff looked around at each other. Several mumbled to others. After a moment, Slummings noticed. “What is it?” he asked.

No one would say anything until Roberta explained. “Employees get in the games free. Not much incentive to come up with a new name.”

“Oh,” Slummings said, momentarily crestfallen, but he recovered quickly. “For anyone holding a season ticket, or for employees, there will be a cash prize.”

“How much?”

Everyone looked at Slummings. “Well, I don’t know. What would be fair, not extravagant, but still an incentive?”

No one said anything. The staff looked to Roberta, who slowly turned to Slummings and said, “What’s a season ticket worth these days?”

The white beard of the owner did a little dance as he laughed. His eyes twinkled like St. Nicholas’ spying a bowl full of jelly. “You tell me, I’m sure I don’t know. But whatever a season ticket is worth, we’ll match it in cash.”

“You heard the man, folks,” Roberta announced to the staff. “Start making up names!”

As the staff returned to their appointed tasks, Slummings pulled Roberta aside and asked, “How much did I just promise to pay the winning name?”

Roberta smiled. “You’re a generous man, Taffy. If one of the staff submit the winner, they will sing your praises. Probably lift a drink to you too!”

“That much, huh?”

“Two grand, give or take a hundred.”

“Whew! For a silly goddamned name?”

“No,” Roberta said, “for the future of your organization.”

Slummings looked up at her, then nodded. “You are one smart cookie, Ms. Tipitina. Good thing you didn’t ask me for a pay raise today, ‘cause you’d have gotten it!”

With that, Slummings spun around and headed for the front door.

“I’ll hold you to that tomorrow!” Roberta called after him.

Before he stepped into the Yuma sun, Slummings called back, “Tomorrow I may not remember a word I said today!” And with that, he was out the door.

Roberta smiled after her boss. Guess I better come up with a winning name, she thought to herself and sat down to do just that.

[Lions]

Ooh, I want Formerly Bulldozers season tickets!

[Arroyos]

Ooh, I want Formerly Bulldozers season tickets!

Just for you, Frank.

[Sandgnats]

I hope this rebrand is the beginning of the winds of change for more success in Yuma!