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 Post subject: Smuts Book Club
PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 1:50 pm 
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(Smuts Book Club is a weekly talk show hosted by reliever, Joop Smuts, with Okinawa's S-A affiliate, the Kobayashi Fireflies)


Smuts Book Club



[Wearing nothing but a thinning white towel, Joop Smuts sits on a wooden bench facing the center of the small, pea-green-painted Kobayashi locker room. He's using a stick of Old Spice deodorant as a microphone. Next to Smuts sits River Gordon, sporting a vintage Rolling Stones t-shirt, palm-trees-patterned swim trunks, and flip-flops.]

Smuts -- Welcome to the first ever episode of Smuts Book Club. I'm your freshly showered host and Fireflies' reliever, Joop Smuts. With me today, acting as both my guest and co-host, is Okinawa's 2029 5th round draft pick, River Gordon. Thanks for joining us today, Riv.

River -- Absolutely, very honored to be the first guest for a potentially planetary-shattering YouTube program.

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River Gordon

Smuts -- Potentially? My name is freakin' Joop Smuts. I became a star when that name was scrawled on a birth certificate. Anyway, on the docket for today's program -- who are all these clowns some unknown assistant to the traveling secretary drafted for Okinawa this year?

River -- Hey now, Smutty. You were Okinawa's third round selection. You're one of those clowns just like I am.

Smuts -- Of course we are. We're the wild-west-of-the-far-east future of the Shisas. Let's take a look some of our notable draft class-mates for Okinawa:

Round 1 (8th overall): Shou Saitou
    This big 6'6" starting pitcher out of Japan, whose name I'm obligated to pronounce like it's the sound a karate chop makes in an old kung-fu movie -- SHAAWW SAA-TOOWWWW, was the first clown out of the Volkswagen bug. He hopes to develop into a middle of the rotation innings-eater, profiling a plus fastball, a plus curveball, and a plus change-up.

Round 3: Will Moore
    Well, he's fast and wants to play second. It's just unfortunate his footwork is so awful he can't figure out how to turn a double play, let alone get to second in time for the throw. I think if we, as an organization, just try to will more from him, he may just give it to us. I'm here all week, tip your waitstaff.

Round 3: Joop Smuts
    Now this guy looks like a complete stud -- polished on the mound, incredibly good-looking, a future Hall-of-Famer. His out-pitch may fall under the umbrella'ed definition of a knuckle-curve, but, truth be told, he was taught the pitch by an old, withered hobbit of a man, traveling with a band of gypsies through his hometown of Noorder-Koogenland in the Netherlands. The man was not a gypsy himself, but he had somehow gained their respect and reverence. Smuts traded the man sixteen large yellow tulips for knowledge on how to throw the pitch -- a true bargain.

Round 4: Jim Rosales
    The Marshall, Illinois, poor-man's version of SHAAWW SAA-TOOWWWW.

Round 5: Jim Farley
I picked this guy as my roommate thinking he'd be hilarious with the last name of Farley. Unfortunately, his personality is like his pitching potential -- pretty bland.

Round 5: River Gordon
A true diamond in the rough, unearthed by an accidental click of a drunken executives mouse click. River, who I have to say great things about as he was the only one willing to be on my show today, shows fascinating potential to play the fourth outfield spot on his hometown's third-rated slow-pitch softball team.

River -- Hey, hold up now. I think I have some pretty good potential. I'll be smacking monster homers into the Okinawa Bay in a matter of a couple seasons.

Smuts -- No, no, you're right. Sorry, about that, Riv. I should have guessed that by your mind-numbing slash line of .219/.278/.302 last year at USC.

River -- Geez, Smuts. You're kind of a dill-hole, you know that? [River gets up and flicks the Old Spice from Smuts' hand and walks out of the locker room].

Smuts -- Well, if you can't handle the Smuts, stay out of the book club. And, with that, take care, Okinawa fans, and we'll be seeing you soon. Good night.

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 Post subject: Re: Smuts Book Club
PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:05 pm 
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"we're the wild west of the far east" ... heh!

If Smuts keeps up this kind of quality, I foresee a day when he'll graduate from YouTube to local access cable.

Outstanding!

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 Post subject: Re: Smuts Book Club
PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 4:34 pm 
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Claymores wrote:
If Smuts keeps up this kind of quality, I foresee a day when he'll graduate from YouTube to local access cable.

Graduate?

The Dutch pronunciation of Joop is like "Yope" and rhymes with "nope". I won't bother correcting whatever pronunciation you have in your head for Smuts (where's the fun in that?), but it's not how a native English speaker would read it.

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 Post subject: Re: Smuts Book Club
PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 5:02 pm 
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Badgers wrote:
The Dutch pronunciation of Joop is like "Yope" and rhymes with "nope". I won't bother correcting whatever pronunciation you have in your head for Smuts (where's the fun in that?), but it's not how a native English speaker would read it.


Realizing I'm ignorantly mispronouncing his name for my own selfish needs makes Joop Smuts even more intriguing as his whole gig is a mangling of a late night talk show anyhow.

Is it pronounced like "smoots"?

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 Post subject: Re: Smuts Book Club
PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 5:39 pm 
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Shisa wrote:
Badgers wrote:
The Dutch pronunciation of Joop is like "Yope" and rhymes with "nope". I won't bother correcting whatever pronunciation you have in your head for Smuts (where's the fun in that?), but it's not how a native English speaker would read it.


Realizing I'm ignorantly mispronouncing his name for my own selfish needs makes Joop Smuts even more intriguing as his whole gig is a mangling of a late night talk show anyhow.

Is it pronounced like "smoots"?

No... It's not quite the same, but the vowel sound is probably closest to the "oo" in "book" or "foot". Definitely not "boots" or "cut".

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 Post subject: Re: Smuts Book Club
PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2019 6:57 am 
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Smuts seems right at home in the PEBAverse!

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