(Smuts Book Club is a weekly talk show hosted by reliever, Joop Smuts, with Okinawa's S-A affiliate, the Kobayashi Fireflies)
Smuts Book Club
Smuts -- Welcome to the first ever episode of Smuts Book Club. I'm your freshly showered host and Fireflies' reliever, Joop Smuts. With me today, acting as both my guest and co-host, is Okinawa's 2029 5th round draft pick, River Gordon. Thanks for joining us today, Riv.
River -- Absolutely, very honored to be the first guest for a potentially planetary-shattering YouTube program.
River Gordon
Smuts -- Potentially? My name is freakin' Joop Smuts. I became a star when that name was scrawled on a birth certificate. Anyway, on the docket for today's program -- who are all these clowns some unknown assistant to the traveling secretary drafted for Okinawa this year?
River -- Hey now, Smutty. You were Okinawa's third round selection. You're one of those clowns just like I am.
Smuts -- Of course we are. We're the wild-west-of-the-far-east future of the Shisas. Let's take a look some of our notable draft class-mates for Okinawa:
Round 1 (8th overall): Shou Saitou
- This big 6'6" starting pitcher out of Japan, whose name I'm obligated to pronounce like it's the sound a karate chop makes in an old kung-fu movie -- SHAAWW SAA-TOOWWWW, was the first clown out of the Volkswagen bug. He hopes to develop into a middle of the rotation innings-eater, profiling a plus fastball, a plus curveball, and a plus change-up.
- Well, he's fast and wants to play second. It's just unfortunate his footwork is so awful he can't figure out how to turn a double play, let alone get to second in time for the throw. I think if we, as an organization, just try to will more from him, he may just give it to us. I'm here all week, tip your waitstaff.
- Now this guy looks like a complete stud -- polished on the mound, incredibly good-looking, a future Hall-of-Famer. His out-pitch may fall under the umbrella'ed definition of a knuckle-curve, but, truth be told, he was taught the pitch by an old, withered hobbit of a man, traveling with a band of gypsies through his hometown of Noorder-Koogenland in the Netherlands. The man was not a gypsy himself, but he had somehow gained their respect and reverence. Smuts traded the man sixteen large yellow tulips for knowledge on how to throw the pitch -- a true bargain.
- The Marshall, Illinois, poor-man's version of SHAAWW SAA-TOOWWWW.
I picked this guy as my roommate thinking he'd be hilarious with the last name of Farley. Unfortunately, his personality is like his pitching potential -- pretty bland.
Round 5: River Gordon
A true diamond in the rough, unearthed by an accidental click of a drunken executives mouse click. River, who I have to say great things about as he was the only one willing to be on my show today, shows fascinating potential to play the fourth outfield spot on his hometown's third-rated slow-pitch softball team.
River -- Hey, hold up now. I think I have some pretty good potential. I'll be smacking monster homers into the Okinawa Bay in a matter of a couple seasons.
Smuts -- No, no, you're right. Sorry, about that, Riv. I should have guessed that by your mind-numbing slash line of .219/.278/.302 last year at USC.
River -- Geez, Smuts. You're kind of a dill-hole, you know that? [River gets up and flicks the Old Spice from Smuts' hand and walks out of the locker room].
Smuts -- Well, if you can't handle the Smuts, stay out of the book club. And, with that, take care, Okinawa fans, and we'll be seeing you soon. Good night.
