Scottish Scoops: 29.005 "The Hague"
Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 6:17 pm
[Security Camera footage from the International Court of Justice in The Hague]
A female clerk seated behind a voluminous desk covered with files and sheaves of paper can be seen picking up a ringing telephone …
Clerk: Hello, you have reached the Office of the Clerk at the International Court of Justice. How may I help you?
Vic Caleca: (Voice booms over the phone). Yes, ma’am. This is Vic Caleca. I’m the general manager of the Scottish Claymores, and we recently filed two complaints with the court about very serious tampering issues with our team …
Caleca complains
Clerk: (Interrupting) Your team? Are you a football team?
Caleca: Football? You mean like the Dallas Cowboys? Of course not. We’re a baseball team.
Clerk: Dallas? No, I meant like Manchester United … but, oh. You’re actually something else … a basketball team. Like the Los Angeles Lakers?
Caleca: Um, no. We’re a baseball team. Baseball.
Clerk: Hmm. Is that a recreational activity?
Caleca: Well, yes, it can be. But in our case it’s a sport. A professional sport.
Clerk: I see. Well, you know the International Court of Justice …
Caleca: Yes, yes. That’s why we sent our case to you – you’re international. And two teams from the PEBA …
Clerk: Wait, this is an animal abuse case? I thought you said this was a sport – is it horse racing?
Caleca: What are you talking about? Oh, oh ... Hold on, I think I know what the problem is. We’re not PETA. We’re PEBA. The Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance. It’s a professional baseball league.
Clerk: Ah. Well, I still fail to see how the International Court of Justice …
Caleca: I’ll tell you how. Those damn Featherheads …
Clerk: Featherheads? Are they bird watchers?
Caleca: Well, they’re birdbrains, but no. That’s a nickname. They’re a team in the United States, in Florida …
Clerk: Yes! Miami! South Beach!
Caleca: Well, no. In this case, they’re in Jacksonville, and trust me. It ain’t nothin’ like South Beach.
Clerk: (Sighs.) Yes … again, I don’t see …
Caleca: Anyway, these miscreants in Jacksonville, they stole our minor league pitching coach from Aberdeen …
Clerk: Minors? You play this ‘baseball’ with children? If child abuse is involved, perhaps there might be a way …
Caleca: No, no. Not minors like children. Minors as in … hmm. Less than major. These are players who aren’t as good as our major league players, and we hired a famous pitcher named Chris York to come in and teach our young pitchers.
Clerk: Ah. So, he came in to teach your incompetents how to play your ‘baseball?’
Caleca: Exactly! And the Featherheads – that team from Florida – came in and offered him more money after he was already under contract and tampered with him, and then he left and went to the Beaufort Loggerdoggers …
Clerk: Excuse me?
Caleca: The Beaufort … never mind. It’s another minor league team. The important thing is they tampered …
Clerk: (Sifting through stack of folders on her desk, picks one up) You said you were Scottish? The Claymores?
Caleca: That’s right, ma’am.
Clerk: All right. I have a copy here of a complaint that you filed, but it was against … let’s see … West Virginia? The Alleghenies?
Caleca: Ah hah! See, that’s another case. Another case of tampering! Those bastards … oops, excuse my French … in West Virginia …
Clerk: This is also in Florida?
Caleca: No, no. This is another place entirely, another state.
Clerk: Well, the International Court of Justice does handle disputes between states, but by this we mean …
Caleca: Right. Well, this isn’t a complaint against the state, per se, but I do have some issues with them even being a state. But that’s not the point. The point is the bast … um, the jerks in West Virginia, they went to Don Mercer, our slugger …
Clerk: And who did Mr. Mercator slug?
Caleca: It’s Mercer, not Mercator. And he slugs baseballs, not people.
Clerk: Ah. Well, that’s good. Otherwise it might be considered assault …
Caleca: He does assault baseballs. But here’s the thing, West Virginia knew that Jasper …
Clerk: I thought he was Mr. Mercator?
Caleca: Mercer. It’s Mercer. And Jasper is Mercer, that’s his nickname.
Clerk: Like ‘Featherhead?’
Caleca: Sort of. The Alleghenies – another nickname – went to Mr. Mercer and lured him to opt out of his $34 million contract with us …
Clerk: $34 million? He earns that for assaulting baseballs?
Caleca: Well, yes. Actually, he told me he wanted $42 million …
Clerk: For playing a recreational activity.
Caleca: It’s a sport. A professional sport, and yes, that’s what he said he wanted. So, anyway, a couple of days later he opted out of the contract and then he signed with West Virginia! For less – for $25 million a year! He was making $34 million, then he said he wanted $42 million, and then he signed for $25 million. I’m telling you, this stinks.
Clerk: It certainly does! To make $25 million for a recreational activity …
Caleca: No, no. That’s not the point. The point is this was tampering, just like the Aberdeen thing!
Clerk: With your incompetents …
Caleca: Well, yes. Are you sure you’ve never seen them play? You seem to know them well. Anyway, we want the International Court of Justice to hear these cases. They’re collusion and tampering of the worst sort …
Clerk: Well, it seems to me that you’re unhappy these gentlemen decided they would rather work somewhere else. Is that not the free enterprise system functioning as it should?
Caleca: But they had contracts!
Clerk: Ah, yes. You said that. For millions of dollars to play a recreational activity …
Caleca: A sport! A professional sport!
Clerk: Yes, so you’ve said. All right. Well, Mr. Calico …
Caleca: It’s Caleca, not Calico …
Clerk: I’m so sorry. Mr. Caleca … we are, indeed, in receipt of your complaints. I have them both in front of me here now.
Caleca: Good, good. And you’ll review them … maybe we can get a summary judgment without going to a full trial?
Clerk: All I can guarantee is that we’ll give your case … your cases … all the attention they deserve.
Caleca: Excellent, excellent. Thank you! And you’ll be getting back to us?
Clerk: Indubitably.
Caleca: All right then! Thank you very much! And I didn’t catch your name …
Clerk: That is because I didn’t give it. Goodbye, now.
(The clerk quietly, but firmly, hangs up the phone. Then, she picks up two file folders from her desk, scoots back her office chair a bit, and dumps them both into a waste paper basket beneath her desk …)
Clerk: Precisely the attention they deserve!
[Security footage ends]
A female clerk seated behind a voluminous desk covered with files and sheaves of paper can be seen picking up a ringing telephone …
Clerk: Hello, you have reached the Office of the Clerk at the International Court of Justice. How may I help you?
Vic Caleca: (Voice booms over the phone). Yes, ma’am. This is Vic Caleca. I’m the general manager of the Scottish Claymores, and we recently filed two complaints with the court about very serious tampering issues with our team …
Caleca complains
Clerk: (Interrupting) Your team? Are you a football team?
Caleca: Football? You mean like the Dallas Cowboys? Of course not. We’re a baseball team.
Clerk: Dallas? No, I meant like Manchester United … but, oh. You’re actually something else … a basketball team. Like the Los Angeles Lakers?
Caleca: Um, no. We’re a baseball team. Baseball.
Clerk: Hmm. Is that a recreational activity?
Caleca: Well, yes, it can be. But in our case it’s a sport. A professional sport.
Clerk: I see. Well, you know the International Court of Justice …
Caleca: Yes, yes. That’s why we sent our case to you – you’re international. And two teams from the PEBA …
Clerk: Wait, this is an animal abuse case? I thought you said this was a sport – is it horse racing?
Caleca: What are you talking about? Oh, oh ... Hold on, I think I know what the problem is. We’re not PETA. We’re PEBA. The Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance. It’s a professional baseball league.
Clerk: Ah. Well, I still fail to see how the International Court of Justice …
Caleca: I’ll tell you how. Those damn Featherheads …
Clerk: Featherheads? Are they bird watchers?
Caleca: Well, they’re birdbrains, but no. That’s a nickname. They’re a team in the United States, in Florida …
Clerk: Yes! Miami! South Beach!
Caleca: Well, no. In this case, they’re in Jacksonville, and trust me. It ain’t nothin’ like South Beach.
Clerk: (Sighs.) Yes … again, I don’t see …
Caleca: Anyway, these miscreants in Jacksonville, they stole our minor league pitching coach from Aberdeen …
Clerk: Minors? You play this ‘baseball’ with children? If child abuse is involved, perhaps there might be a way …
Caleca: No, no. Not minors like children. Minors as in … hmm. Less than major. These are players who aren’t as good as our major league players, and we hired a famous pitcher named Chris York to come in and teach our young pitchers.
Harried clerk at The Hague
Clerk: Ah. So, he came in to teach your incompetents how to play your ‘baseball?’
Caleca: Exactly! And the Featherheads – that team from Florida – came in and offered him more money after he was already under contract and tampered with him, and then he left and went to the Beaufort Loggerdoggers …
Clerk: Excuse me?
Caleca: The Beaufort … never mind. It’s another minor league team. The important thing is they tampered …
Clerk: (Sifting through stack of folders on her desk, picks one up) You said you were Scottish? The Claymores?
Caleca: That’s right, ma’am.
Clerk: All right. I have a copy here of a complaint that you filed, but it was against … let’s see … West Virginia? The Alleghenies?
Caleca: Ah hah! See, that’s another case. Another case of tampering! Those bastards … oops, excuse my French … in West Virginia …
Clerk: This is also in Florida?
Caleca: No, no. This is another place entirely, another state.
Clerk: Well, the International Court of Justice does handle disputes between states, but by this we mean …
Caleca: Right. Well, this isn’t a complaint against the state, per se, but I do have some issues with them even being a state. But that’s not the point. The point is the bast … um, the jerks in West Virginia, they went to Don Mercer, our slugger …
Don Mercer
Clerk: And who did Mr. Mercator slug?
Caleca: It’s Mercer, not Mercator. And he slugs baseballs, not people.
Clerk: Ah. Well, that’s good. Otherwise it might be considered assault …
Caleca: He does assault baseballs. But here’s the thing, West Virginia knew that Jasper …
Clerk: I thought he was Mr. Mercator?
Caleca: Mercer. It’s Mercer. And Jasper is Mercer, that’s his nickname.
Clerk: Like ‘Featherhead?’
Caleca: Sort of. The Alleghenies – another nickname – went to Mr. Mercer and lured him to opt out of his $34 million contract with us …
Clerk: $34 million? He earns that for assaulting baseballs?
Caleca: Well, yes. Actually, he told me he wanted $42 million …
Clerk: For playing a recreational activity.
Caleca: It’s a sport. A professional sport, and yes, that’s what he said he wanted. So, anyway, a couple of days later he opted out of the contract and then he signed with West Virginia! For less – for $25 million a year! He was making $34 million, then he said he wanted $42 million, and then he signed for $25 million. I’m telling you, this stinks.
Clerk: It certainly does! To make $25 million for a recreational activity …
Caleca: No, no. That’s not the point. The point is this was tampering, just like the Aberdeen thing!
Clerk: With your incompetents …
Caleca: Well, yes. Are you sure you’ve never seen them play? You seem to know them well. Anyway, we want the International Court of Justice to hear these cases. They’re collusion and tampering of the worst sort …
Clerk: Well, it seems to me that you’re unhappy these gentlemen decided they would rather work somewhere else. Is that not the free enterprise system functioning as it should?
Caleca: But they had contracts!
Clerk: Ah, yes. You said that. For millions of dollars to play a recreational activity …
Caleca: A sport! A professional sport!
Clerk: Yes, so you’ve said. All right. Well, Mr. Calico …
Caleca: It’s Caleca, not Calico …
Clerk: I’m so sorry. Mr. Caleca … we are, indeed, in receipt of your complaints. I have them both in front of me here now.
Caleca: Good, good. And you’ll review them … maybe we can get a summary judgment without going to a full trial?
Clerk: All I can guarantee is that we’ll give your case … your cases … all the attention they deserve.
Caleca: Excellent, excellent. Thank you! And you’ll be getting back to us?
Clerk: Indubitably.
Caleca: All right then! Thank you very much! And I didn’t catch your name …
Clerk: That is because I didn’t give it. Goodbye, now.
(The clerk quietly, but firmly, hangs up the phone. Then, she picks up two file folders from her desk, scoots back her office chair a bit, and dumps them both into a waste paper basket beneath her desk …)
Clerk: Precisely the attention they deserve!
[Security footage ends]
