The Stiff Also Rises

[Maulers]

L.H. Thompson, Manchester Boutique

Monday, October 27, 2008

Vicente León, the Manchester batting practice pitcher who masquerades as a major league starter, is demanding that the Maulers trade him to a contending team. Citing a desire to leave behind the Maulers' perennial rebuilding project, León has insinuated that he should be playing for a contending team. The whole notion is so laughable, however, that it is quite impossible to take León seriously.

Start with the facts. León began last season buried at AAA New Brunswick. If not for the stinking putrescence consistently offered up by the likes of Onne Adriaanse, León would still be dazzling minor league fans everywhere with his impotent combination of "fastballs," "curveballs," and "sliders". And yet, against the odds, León managed to luck his way into a couple of months of mediocrity in Manchester. Hardly inspiring, his performance was good enough to convince Insufferable Jackass™ Jeff Dudas, Maulers GM, to break the bank in August, 2007: León was awarded a 3-year contract worth a robust $760,000 annually.

Giddy over his new-found, barely-gotten wealth, León promptly treated the Manchester press corps to a fancy meal downtown. Arriving at the Hungry Tiger at the appointed hour, I soon realized that no other reporter had deemed León's invitation newsworthy enough to bother to show up. Not that León was disappointed. An audience of one would better allow him to pontificate on the mysteries of the universe that had brought him to this exact moment in his life.

"I'm very well read," he began. "I think that this is what makes me such an interesting person – I believe literally everything that I read." I was barely paying attention to León, for there was a very strange crack running through the middle of the table; it began in the center of the table, radiated outward for 3 inches and then inexplicably looped around until it ended at the top of my index finger.

My interest in this blemish in the table was undoubtedly peaked by the 3 hits of acid that I had ingested in the bathroom prior to León's arrival. Soon the crack began to levitate, spin, and track towards León, where it affixed itself squarely on his chin. "Jesus, you're grotesque!" I sputtered. "Huh? Oh, uh, where was I? Oh yeah, so the whole problem with the earth crystals is that they are too tightly packed around the core..."

So it continued for a time: León spouting nonsense about maidens and mystical ships and me growing increasingly paranoid about the whole scene. Once the sweat began to drip down my face, I knew that it was time to get down to business. "Why would you sign a multi-year contract with the Maulers? Don't you know that they're going to blow up the team and start over next year?" "No," León replied, "that's not what's going to happen. Just wait; the rainbows and constellations will align perfectly over the next 30 days and the oceans will swell to a pinnacle. When that happens, the heavens will dictate that the Maulers will win the Rodriguez Cup next year!" I'd had enough. I stumbled out of the Tiger, fell down on the sidewalk, and vomited. León, who had followed me out, had the last word: "You're beautiful, man; keep it real."

Fast forward 12 months to August 3, 2008. Taking the mound against Florida, León offered the killing blow to a typically disappointing Maulers season: 2 innings pitched, 8 hits, 5 walks, 8 earned runs. The rest of the Maulers pitching staff, in a rare moment of manly empathy, did what it could to take the edge off León's performance, allowing 18 more earned runs in the remaining 6 innings. León was devastated, not because of his deep inadequacy, but rather because it was this day that finally convinced him that his prediction of a Rodriguez Cup was completely, totally, utterly wrong.

It's been all downhill since then. By September, León was so surly that he stopped his daily public readings of player horoscopes. By October, he contacted Dudas with the request to be traded to a contender. "The odds of being able to trade that stiff León," Dudas countered in the press, "are roughly the same as the odds that that no-good hippie Mitch White will ever again play for the Maulers. I suggest that León start working on a new pitch." Last seen sulking out of the Maulers clubhouse, León's current whereabouts on the mortal coil are unknown. No one awaits his return.

[Tyler]

Very entertaining. :)

[John]

Jeff's articles always are. L.H. Thompson is a card, and GM Dudas is one of the most colorful in the game. I love reading these articles.

[DanD]

That was awesome. Great read!!!

[Maulers]

Thanks, all!