Point/Counterpoint: Bakersfield Bears

[John]

In Point/Counterpoint, a guest writer is invited to debate a topic of interest with NLN’s senior sports writer, Ray D. Enzé.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

POINT
The Bears Represent a Serious Threat to Aurora’s Championship Aspirations
By Ray D. Enzé, Northern Lights News

Ferocious. Tenacious. Dangerous. These are apt words to describe the Bakersfield Bears. Make no mistake about it: the Bears are the biggest threat Aurora will face during these playoffs.

After the Borealis swept last weekend’s three game series at Jonas Field, a lot of Aurora fans are expressing confidence that the upcoming PEBA Division Series is going to be a cakewalk. These misguided souls frequently cite Aurora’s 13-2 record against Bakersfield.

Look, I hate to be the buzzkill to your premature celebration, but if you’re in this group you need to wake up and focus in. The team that’s going to take the field Saturday evening is more than capable of taking down the Borealis in a short best-of-five series.

Aurora has been able to outmuscle opponents this year with their impressive power/speed combination. The Bears are hardly going to be intimidated, though. This is, after all, the team that led the Sovereign League in home runs. They finished just behind the Borealis in stolen bases. In fact there’s not a lineup in PEBA short of the New Jersey Hitmen that can go toe-to-toe with the Borealis any better than Bakersfield.

Jude Pew is a one-man wrecking machine. He led the league with 152 RBI and 387 total bases, and finished second with 45 HR. Did I mention he hit .333? Pew and fellow masher Pat Lilly are far and away the most dangerous hitting duo in all of PEBA. These guys are game-changers, and they’re surrounded by dynamic players like Alberto Delgado (27 HR and 47 SB) and Teddy Boyd (18 HR, 48 SB, .350 on-base %). If there’s a lineup that should put the fear of God in you, this is it.

One has to wonder how different things could have been. If you believe the rumors, Aurora talked with Bakersfield about acquiring Pew at the deadline. Now they’re going to have to face him with a trip to the Alliance League Tournament on the line. It’s too early to say for sure, but failing to make that deal may come back to haunt the team.

Conventional wisdom says that short series like this are won or lost on the strength of the starting pitchers. George Thompson, John Roach, Jon Mitchell and Kijuro Kojima give the Borealis the kind of arms you need if you’re serious about advancing in the playoffs. Most people know Luis Garza is Bakersfield’s ace; he’s going to keep the Bears in the game every time he takes the mound. What a lot of fans don’t know is that Ken Johnstone and Raúl Cortéz have been coming on strong over the last couple of months. Never underestimate what a starter with momentum can do for the confidence of the team behind him.

So all you fans predicting a cakewalk, you’re being put on notice. This is going to be a war. Manager Juan Toro knows this; he’s been drilling it into this young group of players not to buy into the hype and look past Bakersfield. We’ll see if they took the message to heart when the series kicks off on Saturday.


COUNTERPOINT
Bears Represent a Serious Threat to America
By Stephen T. Colbert, nationally syndicated conservative talk show host

Ferocious. Tenacious. Dangerous. These are apt words to describe bears. Make no mistake about it: Bears are the number one threat to America.

As if bears weren’t a big enough threat as it was – roaming freely in our nation’s forests, ravaging innocent campers and stealing our honey – it seems they’re now banding together and invading our sports leagues. They’ve already waged a full-scale invasion of Chicago, infiltrating the city’s football franchise. They’ve even planted their young within a baseball organization on the city’s north side, though being so little they haven’t posed a threat in years.

Well, Nation, the other day I was reading the “The USA Today” and I came upon something horrifying. It seems a group of these Godless killing machines has defiled our most sacred of national pastimes once again. This time, however, they’re actually good at it.

Yes, these wooly, clawed bunch of terrorists are based out of Bakersfield, California. They don’t even bother to hide themselves; they’re openly going by the name of “Bakersfield Bears”. It figures that they’d find safe haven amongst the left-wing hippies populating California, a state well known to be in league with bears (these traitors even have a bear on their state flag). Hey California! What are you going to do when your precious bears suddenly develop a taste for Birkenstocks?

All reports indicate that these monsters have a “powerful offense” capable of “decimating the opposition”. Clearly they are planning on mounting an attack against us. And they’ve got the firepower to do it, too! I’m told they led their league in home runs. Just imagine the devastation when one of these behemoths decides to play “fetch” with one of those balls and goes barreling into the outfield stands. They’re incredibly quick, too, having brazenly stolen 192 bases. Never underestimate the havoc a bear with momentum can wreak.

Fortunately there’s a group out there ready to oppose these heathens. The good folks of Aurora, Colorado – a bastion of patriotic bear-hatred – have their own baseball franchise: the Aurora Borealis. The Borealis will be going up against the Bears in the opening round of the Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance playoffs starting this Saturday. Of course we’re all rooting for them to send these shaggy minions of Satan back to the dark depths from whence they came, but I’m skeptical. After all, what good is a Kuemon Kiyomizu home run if he gets devoured rounding first base?

Here’s something really terrifying: by all accounts one of these “Bakersfield Bears” was almost sent to the Borealis at the trade deadline. I’m sure the plan was to lay low and then, right before the series started, this infiltrator would have opened the clubhouse door and let all his furry brethren in to feast on the team’s flesh. Apparently the particular bear in question here has a name: “Jude Pew”. I believe we have footage of this vicious killer. Jimmy, could we see that please?

Ohhhhhhhhh, look how adorable he is! He so little, he can barely stand up straight! Awwww, look at his... SNAP OUT OF IT, COLBERT! Remember: that thing is deadly!

Bears, you’re being put on notice. We’re on to you and your evil plans for domination by invading our beloved sports pastimes. And it’s up to us, Nation, to root as hard as we can for the courageous Borealis to defeat these scions of darkness. For if they can’t beat back these creatures, who will save us? I mean, come on, you can’t have much confidence that a swarm of flies or some doddering old fogies are going to get the job done, now can you?

[Ghosts]

aw, you're making us blush, Aurora.

(I think I recognize your photo from "The Onion", no?)

[John]

The picture is indeed taken from The Onion. It's a photo T. Herman Zweibel, great grandson of the found of The Onion, Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel. Indeed the whole format for the article is lifted from The Onion. At it's best, that's some fine humor they've got going there.