Pitching Coach Claims No Blame for Warriors' Woes

[Bill]

Pitching Coach Claims No Blame For Warriors' Woes
by William Bradford, guest writer

When a baseball team’s pitching staff is as brutal as Duluth’s is, questions often fall to the pitching coach of the aforementioned team. With a staff that currently ranks at or near (or in some cases, below) the bottom of the league in every meaningful statistical category, one can only assume that Duluth pitching coach Ryan Hubbard is hearing more questions than Alex Trebek right now. In the interest of full disclosure and fair treatment (and also so this intrepid reporter could meet a deadline and keep his job), we here at the Duluth Morning Star took a moment to interview Hubbard and ask for his side of the story.

The interview almost instantly took an ugly turn. “Even Dali needed paint, and apparently acid,” growled Hubbard. “These guys have less talent than the team of ‘special needs’ Hobbits with tuberculosis I coached for six years, and those [expletive]ers drove me nuts.” Clearly, Hubbard feels as though the ability level of the staff as a whole is not up to snuff, but he had nothing but compliments about the work ethic of the staff and their desire to improve. “Yeah they work hard, but so do washing machines,” quoth the beleaguered coach before embarking on an NC-17 rant that would have made Samuel L. Jackson blush.

So what is the cure? According to Coach Hubbard, it starts at the top. “Joel Dobney’s not the problem; he’s a real gem of a guy. If I came home tomorrow to my 17-year-old daughter telling me she was going to move in with Joel without the benefit of wedlock, I’d be on the horn to U-Haul that same minute. We need better scouting; I’m tired of hearing about the next big flame-thrower, only to be delivered a octogenarian biker who thinks we've invaded Canada.” Upon the humblest insinuation that the scouting department might be wholly to blame, Hubbard whipped a ¼ full bottle of Grey Goose at the reporter’s head in what was surely a non-verbal cue that the interview was concluded.

Suffice it to say, the Warriors’ pitching staff has done less than meet the expectations at the beginning of the season, and fans are grumbling. There will surely be a call soon for heads to roll, and a character like Hubbard will be an easy scapegoat for the Duluth front office if it reaches that point. Only Barry Bonds’ installation as a roving hitting instructor could make Hubbard anything other than the least popular coach on the shores of Lake Superior.