The Horse’s Mouth: The Unwanted Man

[Duane]

London Gives Up On Emery
by Rusty Nobbs, Bluegrass Roundup

July 6, 2008: Lexington, KY – One may wonder why a London news story would mean diddley to Kentucky fans … well, Josh Emery – the perennial underachiever of the London Underground – was sent packing for his new home in Kentucky. That’s right; GM Duane Rudis has just made a deal for the overpriced, underachieving infielder. His reasoning is varied and we will discuss this shortly.

First, a few words in reaction to the news from Josh himself (courtesy WLOU) … “I am here to sadly report that my time here in London has come to an end. It is no secret that I have been unhappy here in London, but I assure you it is not because of the fans or the city. I have had disagreements with both coaches and management regarding my approach to the game. Hitting coach Stephen Reid and I never saw eye-to-eye, surely because he is 3 inches taller than me, but also because of his old-school approach does not jive with my irregularities (not limited to but including my many trips to the can). All I can say is that this guy is a bully to us players who are smaller than him. I don’t know if the guy is a former inmate or retired marine … alls I do know is that this guy is mean. I look forward to a change of scenery and routine and welcome the fresh air of Kentucky. I have already spoken with GM Rudis and my first assignment is to assist Ignacio Lópes each morning with the cleanup (Ed. note: this is in reference to cleaning up after the purple martins before fans arrive). I am not sure if Kentucky and I will be a good fit but I do know I will not miss that bastard!”

After experiencing the sadness in Emery’s voice and hearing the quivers as he spoke, it is apparent to this reporter that Josh is both sad and joyous about the change. Will he be a help in Kentucky? Will he regain his stroke? Can he keep up with Ignacio’s torrid pace each morning? Let’s see what GM Rudis has to say…

Rusty: Mr. Rudis, what’s up with the trade?
Duane: Rusty, there is so much more to baseball than just showing up and playing a game.


Rusty: Yes, we all know that, but you traded away two youngsters for another underachiever.
Duane: If you are referring to Murdock, Sancho Martínez, Molina, Prieto, and Vance as underachievers then you are seriously mistaken. Each and every one of them is on track to surpass last year’s numbers (in some fashion). Murdock has cut down on strike-outs and has been caught stealing more often. Sancho is in his first full season so everything he does is an achievement. Molina, well he has been hurt for several weeks but yet his power numbers are up. Prieto has already made his presence felt … opposing runners fear his arm so anything he adds is a bonus. Vance … well, Vance … he is, ummmm … injured. That’s it: injured.


Rusty: Ok, what about the fact that you are taking on a large salary … maybe too large for Kentucky to handle.
Duane: If I were a betting man, I would put money on Kentucky entering and maintaining a period of growth that will see it’s market size and fan appeal increase and Emery will definitely help in that area.


Rusty: How is Josh Emery going to help you increase sales?
Duane: Well, as you already reported, he will be working with Ignacio each morning on the ‘Keep Churchill 1 Clean’ project. Each day at 6 AM they are to begin scraping, sweeping, and washing the Purple Martin poop off the walkways and public areas around the concession stands. The cleaner and more bug-free the place, the more people will continue to come with greenbacks in hand. We have a scheduled press conference this afternoon to announce Josh’s involvement in the cleanup efforts … maybe then he will get the recognition he desires. That plus the exposure he has been seeking in his search for a wife – it’s no secret that he has applied several times to “Beauty and the Geek”.


Rusty: Now I have heard everything … you bring in a guy just to scoop poop and you think it’s going to help your franchise … are you nuts? You been drinking with Bill?
Duane: Rusty, there is more to it … and to quote my favorite movie of all time, Dune, “Plans within plans.” The guys we moved needed to be moved. They are ready to perform and yet there were no future plans for them in Kentucky. Ishhara is blocked by Molina-Sancho-Dawson, and Buddy Stephens is about ready for a call-up to try his hand in left field … Lilley is being pushed by Castillo and Gómez in AAA.


Rusty: Ahhhh-Soooooo …
Duane: Hey no Asian-American jokes, ok …


Rusty: Thanks for you time Mr. Rudis … and good luck in finding Bill!

[Tyler]

So Rudis is a fan of the movie adaptation of Dune. This explains a lot.

[John]

Ya know, I've known a bunch of guys that absolutely swear by that movie, but for some reason it never did it for me. I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, it's a very oddly filmed movie, what with the plodding pace and the constant voice-over monologues. And then there's the half-naked, lubed up Sting. That almost made the film for me...

[Duane]

O my ...

[Nigel]

Emery is going to be a pooper scooper? I don't think he knew what he was getting himself into.