Torn Tricep Slows Science

[Coqui]

Torn Tricep Slows Science
Contributed by Canton Longshoremen
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
By Frank Terry, Canton Repository

6/1/2008: Crystal Lake, IL – Luis Hernández fancies himself a scientist. "I dabble," he says. Hernández's most recent experiment? Actually getting on base. After posting a glistening OBP of .301 last year, Hernández had been getting fresh with the idea of taking the occasional walk. After a couple weeks of courting, Hernández and walking were seen in public on several occasions. The young scientist insisted in keeping strikeouts on the side but his recent lack of time for them caused his OBP to rise to .411 and him to hypothesize that, "The more walks I get, the more I am on base."

This brilliant discovery aside, Hernández had also begun a new workout system in which he worked his triceps almost exclusively. "I think the extra muscle on the backs of my arms will help me create more lift on the when I hit it. Of course, big arms look nice when I take a walk.” The new workout and focus on actually reaching base was certainly helping Hernández garner a larger fan base, mostly led by "Luis' Ladies," a grammatically challenged group of screaming women that had succumbed to the Latin charms of the eccentric third baseman.

Unfortunately, the whole thing came crashing to a halt in the bottom of the fifth on May 19th. A groundball from Duluth third baseman Dave Morrison – a player distinctly lacking in fan clubs – was fielded easily by our hero, but the ensuing throw led to some difficulty. "I just heard the scream and ducked," said Canton SP Pedro Cruz (who, incidentally, sucks). "It wasn't pretty.” Indeed, it was not. Hernández overdeveloped right tricep gave way as he made the throw across the diamond to retire the side.
"Look, it was a good idea," says Hernández, "it just didn't work out so well. I think my biceps just could not keep up with my tri's. P90x is my next plan.” Hernández went on to say that many of the housewives of Luis' Ladies have offered to help his recovery but that he is monogamous with his girlfriend, whom he refused to name.

In other news, both Gerardo Soto and Luis Navarro have requested trades. GM Brad Dobney refused to give public comment but his private comments questioned the heritage, ancestry, relationships with dogs, lifestyle choices and general hygiene habits of both players.

Jack Campbell is taking desperately needed BP and will not be writing this week.

[Tyler]

I need to come up with some sort of phrase to indicate that an article is well-written, clever, funny, and entertaining, and that I have no actual commentary to add other than "that was cool."

[Hitmen]

I need to come up with some sort of phrase to indicate that an article is well-written, clever, funny, and entertaining, and that I have no actual commentary to add other than "that was cool."

We could coin the phrase "Cobbworthy"

Or maybe, "That article deserves a Cobbody award"

[John]

I need to come up with some sort of phrase to indicate that an article is well-written, clever, funny, and entertaining, and that I have no actual commentary to add other than "that was cool."

We could coin the phrase "Cobbworthy"

Or maybe, "That article deserves a Cobbody award"

I'm liking the "Cobbody Award" idea.

[Coqui]

I need to come up with some sort of phrase to indicate that an article is well-written, clever, funny, and entertaining, and that I have no actual commentary to add other than "that was cool."

Anytime I write something and someone sees fit to comment beyond the usual "you need help" or "you shouldn't have said that," I am flattered. I would, of course, love a Cobbody but, honestly, how many of us can really aspire to that?

[Reg]

good writing, still...you need help... ...poor poor pedro cruz