(Theme music to “Tales From The ‘Toum” plays as the television screen shows a variety of shots of Haboob Field, the new home of the Khartoum Raiders, under construction. The view then cuts to a large anchor desk, behind which sit two men wearing royal blue Raiders baseball caps with the team’s red stylized “K” logo.”)
Dean Leslie: Good evening, Raiders fans! Welcome to another episode of Tales From The ‘Toum, your weekly look at news, features, and analysis of your new hometown team, the Khartoum Raiders! I am your host, Dean Leslie, and joining me is my co-host and broadcasting partner, Faisal … um … DiMaggio.
Faisal: Thank you, pal Dean! But, alas, you are mistaken ...
Leslie: I am? Oh thank goodness! You’ve come to your senses and decided to use your real name!
Faisal (scowls at Leslie): Certainly not, antagonist Dean. But I have been told that my choice of DiMaggio as my broadcast name has met with much … merriment … at my expense. You would not know anything about that, would you, envious Dean?
Leslie (looking a bit guilty): Um … of course not, Faisal …
Faisal (giving Leslie a skeptical, sidelong glance): Hmph. Well, learning this distressing news, I went back to your Wikipedia in search for a name more compatible with my broadcast persona …
Leslie (under his breath): Bozo the Clown?
Faisal (unfazed): I know not of this Bozo. No, but I have found the perfect name to honor our sport and establish my broadcast brand!
Leslie (gives a slight eye roll): Do tell.
Faisal: I shall, infidel Dean. From this day forward, my on-air persona shall be Faisal al Steinbrenner.
Leslie (astounded): Faisal al Steinbrenner?
Faisal: Ah, how perfect, is it not, cynic Dean? A powerful owner who reigned over his team and his sport for decades! A legend of finance and athletics! And best of all, skeptic Dean?
Leslie: Um, yeah?
Faisal: He employed George Costanza from the Seinfeld sitcom!
Leslie: Faisal … I don’t know how to tell you this, but George Costanza is a fictional character. That was just a running gag on the show.
Faisal (looks pityingly at Leslie): I know this, naïve Dean. I have made a baseball jest!
Leslie (looking relieved): Oh, good. So, you’re not going to call yourself Faisal al Steinbrenner?
Faisal: Of course I am, misapprehending Dean. My joke was about Costanza, the King of the Idiots!
Leslie (manages a weak grin): Ah. Good one. OK. Let’s actually talk about the Raiders for a minute, shall we?
Faisal (looking smug): Whatever you say, dour Dean.
Leslie: I thought we should talk a moment about our new manager, who was introduced this week – the legendary Salvadore Medrano! He seems a perfect choice for the job, wouldn’t you say, Faisal?
Faisal: Indeed, yes! As it happens, I had the opportunity to talk with our new field general this afternoon.
Leslie: Yes, I heard that you sat down with him for a few minutes. That was very enterprising of you, Faisal.
Faisal: They do not call me Faisal the Hustler for nothing!
Leslie: I’m not sure that means what you think it means …
Faisal: You are … what do you Westerners call it … um … a killjoy! You, downer Dean, are killing my joy.
Leslie: Well, I’m sure my ex-wives would agree that's possible. So, what did you and Sal talk about, Faisal?
Faisal: The weather.
Leslie: You got the first interview with our new manager, Sal Medrano, and you discussed the weather?
Faisal (looking hurt): Well, he brought it up.
Leslie: OK. So what did he say about the weather?
Faisal: Well, he asked me if it was true that the average temperature in Khartoum during the Raiders’ season would be 102 degrees Fahrenheit.
Leslie: And what did you tell him?
Faisal: I told him, of course not. That is a severe exaggeration.
Leslie: Well, that’s a relief. What is the real average temperature?
Faisal (brightly): A much more moderate 101!
Leslie (alarmed): Really? What did Sal say to that?
Faisal (wrinkling his brow in confusion): He used some words with which I am unfamiliar, mentor Dean.
Leslie: Yeah? What words were those.
Faisal (consulting his notes): He said, and I quote, “Motherf*$ …
Leslie (panicked, jumps in drowning out Faisal): Ahhh ... thank you for that report, Faisal. And, with that we’ll go to break. When we return, we'll pose the question: why is the Raiders’ stadium called ‘Haboob Field?’
Faisal (brightly again): I know this, uninformed Dean! It is named for the mega-sandstorms of doom that are common here in Sudan during your baseball season!
Leslie (alarmed): What? Mother….
(The screen abruptly cuts to commercial)
Faisal's joke gave a good chuckle
