Cyclones Wheel and Deal

[Jason]

Greg Johnsonson reporting for the Omaha Evening Wind


12/19/2008: Omaha, NE – The Omaha Cyclones front office staff roared into the PEBA Winter Meetings in Canton, OH this weekend with a clear cut wish list and, much to the shock and confusion of their fan base, actually met several of the team's abundantly obvious needs. After a disgusting 61 win campaign that saw the team's GM go on extended vacation with accomplices unknown, the team now has the look of a club that will contend for a .500 mark and quite possibly leapfrog the hated Canton Longshoremen – who are managed by Bryan Dobney's brother Brad Dobney – in the Great Lakes Division standings. "Goal #1 has to be to overtake Canton," said team co-owner and English football superstar Mike Owen on a recent visit. "If we can get past that bunch then the fans will show up to watch. They don't want to pay to see a team that barely manages a season split with their rivals.” GM Bryan Dobney followed up the statements by noting, "Canton is on the move, too. It has not escaped their notice that we are building up to try and really take it to them this year and they have been making some moves to try and stay one step ahead.” When asked about the budding rivalry with the Yuma Bulldozers, another team run by one of Dobney's brothers, Dobney said, "Who? That team in yellow? I thought we were playing our AAA affiliate in an exhibition series or something. Are you sure?"


The Cyclones made three trades over the past week which changed the look of the roster and brought some talented players to the Cyclones system. The first deal saw the 'Clones send disappointing SP Juan “Mauler” Gonzáles, two minor leaguers and two draft picks to the Bakersfield Bears for disappointing SS Ernest Mathis and AAA SP Vincent Watson. "Ernest is a guy who can really field any position on the infield quite well. Even if his stick doesn't come around this year, he has the glove to be a difference maker in the field for us at short or second. Also, we lost our ‘Rock Band’ drummer Eric Morse to free agency and had heard that Ernest had some real skills. Besides, Morse would always go rogue and try to do too much back there. At least he could hit the drum... if it had been a baseball we wouldn't have gotten anywhere.” Dobney, quite clearly looking out for the morale of his team, also was able to obtain two new controllers for the team's ever present RBI Baseball tournaments from Bakersfield. "That has nothing to do with the trade... we just broke in and stole those."

The Cyclones also got into the act with the whirlwind of trading action that was the San Antonio Calzones of Laredo, sending pitchers Norris Moncreiff and Kisho Ageda to San Antonio/Laredo for C Lorenzo Vega and 3B prospect Will George. "We wanted someone who could play solid defense behind the plate since that skunk-loving piece of waste Morse left and Vega was on the block. We weren't completely in love with the idea of dealing for him because of his salary but when they offered to take Moncrieff and send us George, we felt like we had no choice.” George was the 17th pick in the 2007 amateur draft and, at age 19, is considered on of the top prospects in the PEBA. "Even though he has two first names, we like the promise Will has shown and, with his ability to play a variety of positions, it will be easy for him to find his way onto the roster in the future.” With the dealing of Gonzáles, Moncrieff and Ageda, the Cyclones only have António Rivera and Chris Croker from last season's starting rotation still on the roster. "We sucked at pitching last year. I blame El Nino.” said the often perplexing Dobney.

The Cyclones final trade is the one that may reap them the most benefits as they swapped 1st round picks with Aurora as well as sending AA LF Cory Pierce to the Borealises (Borealites? Borealii?) for AAA SP Fernando Madrid. "Madrid, which coincidentally is the capital of France or Germany or something – little known fact, but then I am kind of an expert on Asian geography – anyway, Fernando is a very good pitcher and figures to enter our rotation right away. Despite the fact he looks a lot like Hitler, our scouts love this guy and, since he was named after a city in Malta or something, I an see why.” For someone so blindly ignorant of even his own ignorance, Dobney pulled off a deal that will help the Cyclones immediately. "Cory was a great prospect and we would have loved to see what he could do in a Cyclones uniform, but we need pitchers and we basically have a built-in fan base because everyone in the country of Corsica will be cheering for the guy with the same name as their capital.” After ranting incoherently for another half hour about his GED in World Mappery, Dobney finally relented and left the stage to much applause and tears of joy from the assembled media.

Overall, during the Meetings the Cyclones looked like they were being run by a man who combs his hair in the morning, or maybe occasionally doesn't park in the handicapped spot at the store, or even might pay some attention to baseball, sports, current events, or even the world outside his own head in general. None of these are characteristics that were previously ascribed to one Bryan Dobney, but you never know what his Maui vacation did for him. Is it possible were seeing a better informed, more in-tune Dobney? Only time will tell. And now for the triumphant return of everyone's favorite heavy-drinking, New Zealand-ish street pugilist: here is another edition of…



Russell's Rantings

– Canton GM Brad Dobney better enjoy his Executive of the Year Award while he can. Next season the only hardware he will be getting in the offseason is a new cordless drill for the arts and crafts projects he will be doing during the playoffs.

– With his recent tell-all article of his health woes still resonating in PEBA circles, I think Yuma GM Jared Dobney should consider getting a new eye doctor so he can read how much he is paying Daniel Groves.

– With the Cyclones coming off one of the worst seasons of anything ever, they are looking like a contender to move in down the block from Mercury Morris and the 1972 Miami Dolphins. That's right: the team is going to join the NFL and go 19-0 while not surrendering a single point all season.