Off-Season Workouts

[Cole]

12/1/2008: Kalamazoo, MI – On orders from General Manager/Owner David Ellison, the Kalamazoo Badgers were surprised with a revolutionary off-season workout plan. Once Ellison worked out the details, he decided that it had to be absolutely involuntary.

Some GMs send their players to Winter Ball; Ellison sends them to AfghanistanThere is no off-season this year for the Kalamazoo Badgers. This became apparent to the players after a meeting at the team's facilities. At the meeting, instead of a panel of coaches and personnel giving closing thoughts on the season there was Sergeant First Class Box Guy. He promptly began to brief the players on their immediate future with the U.S. Army. Surprise came from every angle of the player's side of the room and infinite satisfaction was apparent on the other where the personnel team (i.e. David Ellison and Sergeant First Class Box) stood. Sgt. Box informed the team that the fitness part of training could be bypassed and training could be finished within a week because there is desperate need for more front-line infantry in the mountainous region east of Kabul in Afghanistan. So before John Collins could text his family or Carlos Madrigal could leave for free agency, the lights in the conference room were shut off and a squad a night vision-equipped Green Berets blindfolded, detained, and escorted the entire to team the Fort Campbell Army bus. This all happened secretly a week after the end of the regular season.

Ten hours later the players arrived at Fort Campbell, Kentucky to immediately begin there adequacy training amongst the 101st Airborne's immersive training. The training schedule was on Monday to practice with the M-4 Carbine on the live firing range, Tuesday was using small arms on the live firing range, Wednesday was grenade safety and throwing at the live firing range, Thursday was deploying and using the M-60 light machine gun at the live firing range, and Friday was a session on reloading. "I want you guys to be ready to shoot. If your gun jams, use your bayonet or small arms and be a hero… especially you guys that ride the pine. And concerning your training, I find it’s always best to learn under fire," barked Sgt. Box. Saturday they all loaded onto a waiting C-17 Globemaster III loaded from front to back with ammunition, as Sgt. Box shouted his encouragements.

They arrived in Afghanistan that next Monday. Meanwhile, David Ellison was in his safe-haven of Farmington Hills, MI hoping the Mothership was right and that this would bring the alertness and urgency from 2007 back to the diamond and the dugout. Mr. Ellison told the enthusiastic 10th Mountain Division Colonel Willie B. Hardigan of his wishes and the Colonel said he was glad to oblige. Willie about-faced and headed towards the new frontline- infantry coming towards the base.

"Well fellas," he shouted, "we need you ASAP over in those there mountains... not here."

"What's our mission?" said nervously by Brett Hurst.

"Find some damn enemies and shoot 'em in the face, what do you think! Now get moving!" said with a Patton-esque quality by Colonel Hardigan.

"Well, what do they look like, and where do we look," questioned Crocker?

"That is what training was for. Now shut up until you nail one of those Taliban!" As the Colonel walked away he pointing in the direction they should start humping....

[Duane]

Ten hours later the players arrived at Fort Campbell, Kentucky to immediately begin there adequacy training amongst the 101st Airborne's immersive training.

Nice to see that others also belive in the pristine environment in which the Thoroughbreds call home.

[Cole]

Pristine is a good substitute for desolate... i guess ''