Transcript of recent incident in the Bureaucrats Press Room

[Bureaucrats]

Reporter 1: Sir, can you please exit the premises?

The man in question looks at him. You can tell by the lazy eyelids the man is by no means sober. He is slightly swaying and turns to face the reporter

Drunk Man: Nnno m-man! I will not leaf the premishes! I've got shomething to shay! To shay! And yer gonna he takes a deep breath, as if to steady himself, yer gonna lissen! Thish team ish garbash! Imean, lookatem! He gestures broadly at nothing in particular They shtink! We made the playoffs lasht year, and now they're 2nd place with a 48-51 record? Are you ****ing kidding me?!

Reporter 2: Well, what do you think they should do from here? They've made a lot of trades that make sense, and they have plenty of players they control for several years.

Reporter 1 pinching the bridge of his nose: Oh God, don't indulge him!

DM: Ayyyyyy Ay Ay Ay! I will be indulged!! You've gots a point mishter he motions to shake the reporters hand, even though they're on opposite sides of the room But they haven't dones jack**** this season! Do you know what team we hit best against? The friggin' hic Alleghenies with a .271 team average in 10 gamesh this seashon. They're alsho one of our worst pitching matchups, we have a 4.12 ERA in those 10 games too. hic Our road and home shplits makesh no sense... We're 25-26 on the road, but 23-25 at home! How ish that possi-possi he pauses, seemingly focusing on his breathing Excush me

He trots over to the nearest trashcan and proceeds to vomit inside it. At that moment GM Justin Barker enters the room

GMJB: What the hell's going on here?

DM looking up at JB: I wash juss saying the ishues thi team has 'issall. I'm upset, mista, and the statsh are-are-are not helping me he discharges excess phlegm into the bin

JB: I've noticed their performance, but haven't been able to see their stats. Tell me of their struggles.

DM slowly rises with a groan: In the passt week or sho, we had 259 at bats and only 59 hits, good enough for .228 on the week. We hits the consending Allegro's just fine, a .256 average in 4 games, but the slagsh known ash the Harpies kept us to a .179 average. How scan we called ourshelds contendersssssss he lingers on "s" for another few seconds when we can't even perform againsht a 3rd plas team?

JB: You mentioned hitting, but how about the pitching? A security guard wanders in, but JB waves him away

DM: We's been goofd, i guessh. We held them to a nish .244 average in the week, but the worsht part is that shtupid Hardon only managed a .205 average against us but shtill thook 2 of 3 from ush. I wanna talkssh aboust the hitting. They stroke out too many timesh. Of their 259 at bats, they struck out 56 times! That's 21.6% of their at bats! Our 2nd basemen, DH'sh, Right Fielders, and Pinch hitters can't hit to shave a life, going a collective total of 9 for 89, which is a .101 average! What'sh the spoint of trading for all thesesh outfieldersh if they cant hit the gah damn ball?! It'sh a simple game misshter; you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball, that'sh it! he regresses into incoherent mumbling, at which point JB gently ushers him out of the room, which DM complies to

We bring you this today because it may or may not be related to a recent hire by the analytics department.

[Ghosts]

*Scans transaction logs for source of Yuma water*

He looks clean, guys. What is DAM's (Drunk Analytics Man's) drink of choice in Arlington?

[DougO]

Yuma water is untraceable, like iocaine powder.

[DrewV]

Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

[Leones]

Anybody want a peanut?