The Cruelest Break

[Maulers]

Wednesday, September 17, 2008
L.H. Thompson, Manchester Boutique

There is, at this point, little left to be said about the 2008 Manchester Maulers. A surlier bunch of underachievers, ne’er-do-wells and all-around jackasses would be hard to find. But the last series of indignities – the final flaming bags of excrement deposited on the door step of the dwindling, inexplicably loyal fan base – strain even the most sympathetic observers, to say nothing of the addled and cynical. Let us consider the still smoldering bits.

First, in spite of loud and repeated proclamations to anyone who would listen (and frequently to those of us who wouldn't) that Wilson Berry was "the future of the franchise," Maulers GM Jeff Dudas sent Berry and last year's first round draft pick José Rivera to the Aurora juggernaut at the trade deadline. The return was uninspiring: Ryuichi Yamauchi, some dunderheaded backstop named "Guns" and a free-swinging 1B who, according to the organization's own head scout, "…left his best swings in his backyard." Clearly this trade was not about the players that Aurora gleefully shipped out of town. No, this was a matter of money. Berry was about to get expensive and, like the insufferable miser that he is, Dudas refused to pay. Berry, at least, is clear-headed about the trade: he was so excited to leave town that he joyfully accepted an arbitration-delaying demotion to AAA.

Second, the fallout from the Berry trade has led to a breathtaking, though perfectly in-character, display of cynicism by Dudas: a brutal whisper-campaign designed to soften the public relations blow of letting the team's most popular player, Mark Gunter, leave as a free agent after the season ends. It began the day after the Berry trade was finalized. The first sign that something was amiss came during Gunter's first-at-bat that night. Even the most casual observers know that Gunter's introductory song – that sentimental, maudlin John Mellencamp "vehicle", "Small Town" – has remained the same for as long as his unfortunate tenure in Manchester. But on this night, and to Gunter's obvious consternation, fans were treated to Pink Floyd's "Money." An indescribably better tune, "Money" nevertheless hit the wrong note given Gunter's pending free agent status. After Gunter continued to insist that he was happy in Manchester and wanted to sign a contract extension, Dudas printed up dollar bills with Gunter's face on them and the words "Money – that's what I want" splashed across his mouth. Fans have been receiving these "disloyalty dollars" for the last 6 weeks at home games. They can, I'm told, be redeemed for custom Wilson Berry jerseys.

As bleak as is all of this, it pales in comparison to the continuing, unmitigated woe that is the career of Mitch "Snake Eyes" White and Dudas' malevolent influence on it. Unfairly demoted to AAA following an unfortunate, unavoidable incident involving Absinthe, Iggy Pop, Drag Queens, and off-duty police officers, White had spent the better part of the summer living the straight and narrow. He rededicated himself to his craft, foreswore all intoxicants (including, I'm told, caffeine), and went about earning his way back to Manchester. When the major league rosters expanded on September 1, White's sense of anticipation was palpable. Giddy as a child on Christmas morning, Snake Eyes eagerly checked his locker every day for the expected good news. By September 9 it was clear that he had been, yet again, foresaken. It was all just too much. And so White drowned his disappointment in a bottle of Gato Negro. Shouting out, "I'm alive!" Snake Eyes leaped from the clubhouse Barcalounger, landed awkwardly, tipped to his left, braced himself against the fall and broke his wrist. As the bone erupted out from under his skin, Snake Eyes drifted off to unconsciousness. On September 10, Dudas sent a note informing Snake Eyes that, because of his injury, he would not called up for the remainder of the season.

And so, dear reader, what is there left to discuss? We are all, like Snake Eyes, forsaken. But here, finally, is the pathetic truth: we'll all be back next year to suffer even more abuse. Indeed, "We beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." Fin.

[John]

I'm beginning to enjoy stories about poor, inebriated "Snake Eyes" White on the same level as Jack Cobb stories of old. Brilliant writing, Jeff! Since I stopped sending you your team notes recently I had completely missed the injury to White. What a bummer. Maybe his nickname needs to be changed to "Snake Bitten".

Of course I know Mr. Thompson - eternal pessimist that he is - doesn't think much of it, but I must point out that his dismissal of Manchester's return in the big deadline trade with Aurora is unfair to the organization. Young catcher Francesco Amati - in possession of one of PEBA's best nicknames in "Guns" - went straight to the majors as a full-time starter and has done fairly well for given this is his first exposure at that level, playing a difficult position and only just having turned 23.

The big gem of the deal, SP Ryuichi Yamauchi, hasn't missed a beat since being traded. He continued to dominate Global Baseball Brotherhood hitters in 4 starts with New Brunswick and has pitched very well in two September PEBA starts (including winning his last start against Arlington). Like "Guns", Yamauchi is just 23 years old.

And then there's "throw-in" 20-year-old 1B Tony Torres. Holy freaking heck, what are they feeding him up there in Portsmouth?? Torres has gone off since being traded, torching NAFTA pitchers to the tune of a .347 average and a crazy .626 SLG% (thanks in large part to the 8 home runs he's belted, four times what he'd hit in his whole pro career to that point! Some excited fans have even started a webpage (freetonytorres.com) devoted to the young slugger.

For our Cleveland Plain Dealer readers in the house, L.H. Thompson comes from the Bud Shaw / Paul Hoynes / Bill Livingston school of grouchy journalism. But don't let his downbeat 'tude fool you. It would be no surprise to me at all if we're looking back at this trade 3 or 4 years from now as the one that launched Manchester into a competitive mode.

[Maulers]

You're too kind, John. And many props on picking out that F. Scott Fitzgerald reference.

On another note, if one were to locate L.H. Thompson's bio. on the Manchester Boutique website, one would see the following (undoubtedly ghost-written by Thompson himself):

"L.H. Thompson, bless his soul, feels no compunction to be objective or fair in his assessments of the multiple inadequacies associated with the Manchester Maulers. He speaks truth to power, although those truths sometimes require the suspension of empirical reality. Sometimes associated with such hacks as Paul Hoynes, Thompson fancies himself instead in the mold of H.L. Mencken. Thompson is not married, though he adores his mongrel cat 'Sweet-ums.'"