PEBA Commissioner Rodriguez is a Zombie Sympathizer!

[Lions]

Written by Zob Rombie, End Time Times
Friday, December 16, 2016

As the PEBA Winter Meetings concluded yesterday, Commissioner John Rodriguez announced his pending resignation, scheduled to occur on Opening Day. Insider sources tell End Time Times that this announcement comes under duress and in the wake of internal rumblings that the Commissioner was, in fact, a zombie sympathizer.

It’s well known that the commissioner was preparing for the inevitable zombie apocalypse that forecasters have been predicting for the past two decades. This included the purchase of a small plot of land outside of Asheville containing a single-room shack in which he planned to hole himself up. However, this was not the problem – anyone could see that, in the event of the zombie apocalypse, such preparations made every bit of sense. Who wouldn’t want a commissioner who prepared for every eventuality, no matter how remote?

The problem appears after it was revealed that he may not be entirely opposed to the zombie population. While he does not want to be a zombie, he is empathetic to their plight.

“I think people don’t appreciate how tough it must be to be a zombie,” states a memo provided to ETT by a reputable source. “I mean, all a zombie really wants is to be loved, have a family, and to eat some brains. Isn’t that what we all want deep down inside?”

This same source also claims to have a leaked email in his possession. While ETT has not seen this email, we are told it says, “I want to see one of us suffer a breakdown and turn his shotgun on his fellow survivors. Zombies deserve a fair shake. It’s not their fault they have no brains.”

It appears, then, that the commissioner’s resignation was not entirely voluntary after all. We hear that a core group of officials in the Commissioner’s Office have been working behind his back with several owners and general managers.

At first, there was great skepticism about the possibility that zombies could ever exist. Thousands of deceased humans supernaturally brought back from the dead to terrorize the rest of the human race seems like the stuff of fiction. However, it quickly became clear to the league’s disaster mitigation committee that this was not a risk worth taking. If removal of the commissioner was the simple and straightforward solution, then it was in the league's best interest to remove him.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one source told ETT, “They can’t afford to have a commissioner who might allow zombie participation in the league. Worse yet, they can’t have them eating paying customers in the stands. It’s just not a risk the league is willing to take.”

When asked his opinion on the issue, another unnamed source simply responded, “No thanks, I’ve already got one.”

Our sources expressed concern that allowing Commissioner Rodriguez to leave in the wake of this scandal would lead to a whole new set of problems. "What if he goes off and starts PETZ?" asked one who feared for his safety. "Someone with his organizational skills and ability to rally people around him needs to be confined to an office where those skills do no harm."

Summing up his concern, one of our sources concluded, “We can’t abide a leadership that doesn’t have the best interests of baseball at heart. I don’t think we want any fans being eaten, and it’s this type of shortsightedness that makes John completely inappropriate for the job of leading us into the future. Ultimately, we’re all just jealous that we weren’t allowed to hide out in his shack with him."

Zob Rombie hungrily writes for End Time Times

[John]

#Shotgun2daHead: Brilliant! Undead patrons can buy tickets in perpetuity!

#sKEPTick_17: more trash from troll websites, but love the site name dudes

#ZomBee42: zombie r people, 2! have u hugged a zombie today?

[Apollos]

I got some good laughs from this article. Very nice piece, Frank

[Leones]

I knew it! :) Very amusing article!

edit: Looking at the pic in the article. I knew Mattingly was a zombie but they got Oil Can Boyd too? The horror....