BLOB BLASTED: BOSS BLISTERS BLACKWELL’S BAD BASEBALL

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Updated: May 25, 2019
Dec. 16, 2028
By Jimmy Howitzer, Palm Springs Post

It’s the eve of the Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance Winter Meetings, a time when most front offices are concentrating on the future.  But Palm Springs Codgers general manager Denny Hills can’t stop dwelling on the past.  As he paces the lobby of the Asheville, North Carolina Super 8–the Codgers club being too stingy to spring for rooms at the actual luxury hotel where the meetings are soon to begin–he is fixated on a failed 2028 and the man who, in his mind, is the one responsible:  the club’s former designated hitter, Bob ‘Blob’ Blackwell.

According to GM Hills, you’d better beware this ‘Blob’

“He ruined everything!” exclaims Hills, who appears close to tears.

There is no doubt the Codgers’ 2028 season was a disappointment.  A team who had high hopes for competing for a playoff spot, they battled injuries and a lackluster offense to finish 83-79, well out of the running in the Desert Hills division.  But to hear the GM tell it, Blackwell was the whole problem.

“He was great when we picked him up at the end of the 2027 season,” said Hills.  “But then this year he was the worst player in the history of professional baseball.”

Blackwell did not have a good year, hitting just .239 and only 4 home runs, but it hardly seems a historically-awful performance.  You would get an argument from GM Hills, however.

“He was just, like, so, so, bad,” says Hills, rolling his eyes like a teenage girl who’s just been told she can’t go to a Katy Perry concert.  “He was a total buzzkill that just, like, brought everyone else down in the dugout, you know?  Just super, like, bad.”

That might have come as a surprise to Blackwell’s teammates.  Shortstop Royce Raines said, “It was great having Bob back with the club.  He had been with Palm Springs his whole career, so it was awesome to have him with us again.”

“He didn’t have a great season at the plate, but he was a lot of fun to have around.  I used to kid him about sitting around like a blob all the time–that’s how he got the nickname ‘Blob’.  He kidded me back just as hard,” grinned Raines.

That’s at odds with GM Hills’ recollections about Blackwell.

“Oh, it wasn’t just his performance on the field, which was the worst in history, as I may have mentioned.  Off the field he was a problem too.  He just sat around all the time, like a blob, although that’s not how he got the nickname ‘Blob’, in fact.  He actually consumed several people, and then set a diner on fire!” said Hills, his eyes wide.  “No team could compete under those circumstances.”

Blackwell, who has since signed a minor-league contract with the Charleston Statesmen, had no comment, except to say “Some of their management was, um…going through some weird stuff.”

Nobody asked me, but…it could be the Codgers’ esteemed general manager has been watching too many late night movies.