The Great PEBA Flood

By
Updated: August 16, 2016

The fourth chapter of the book of Rodriguez:

1 And it came to pass, when PEBA franchises began to multiply on the face of the earth, and divers general managers were born unto them,

2 That the sons of Jobu saw the small market franchises that they were fair and bursting with cheap talent, and desperate for wins; and they plucked from them arbitration-eligible All-Stars of all which they chose.

3 And Jobu said, My spirit shall not always strive with a 32-team league, for that a league of that size is unwieldy, and its smaller market franchises too unstable.

4 There were giants in PEBA in those days – the F’Heads, and the Sandgnats, and above all the Borealis; and also after that, when the sons of Jobu came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare division winners and wild cards, and All-Stars  to them, the same became mighty franchises, and franchises of renown.

5 And Jobu saw that the wickedness of a 32-team league was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of the hearts of the bottomdwellers was only how to gird a franchise’s loins with the fetid fruit of a Rule 5 draft and minor league free agents continually.

6 And it repented Jobu that he had made 32 teams on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

7 And Jobu said, I will destroy teams whom I have created from the face of PEBA; both GM, and franchise, and the creeping thing (Hitmen and Statesmen), and the fowls of the air (Dragons) and those that swim in the sea and those that seek them (Fishermen); for it repenteth me that I have made them.

8 But PEBA Chief Talent Officer Jay Wells found grace in the eyes of Jobu.

PEBA Chief Talent Officer Jay Wells

PEBA Chief Talent Officer Jay Wells

9 These are the generations of Wells: Wells was a just man (if a lousy General Manager for Canton) and perfect in his generations, and Wells walked with Jobu.

10 And Wells begat three sons, Gabriel, Kokei, and the thus far disappointing Gonzalo.

11 The earth also was corrupt before Jobu, and the earth was filled with sabremetrics.

12 And Jobu looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all data had corrupted his way upon the earth.

13 And Jobu said unto Wells, The end of all sabermetrics and oversized leagues is come before me; for PEBA is filled with statisticians, and absent and revolving door GMs through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

14 Make thee a separate league from the ruins of the old League of the Rising Sun; divisions shalt thou make in the league, and shalt pitch it within and without with scouts, and scouting organizations.

15 And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The size of the league shall be two hundred cubits, the breadth of it forty-eight cubits, and the height of it ten cubits.  And by size, I mean the number of divisions, and by breadth I mean the number of teams, but it really better be ten cubits high, or else.  Anyway, the division to cubit ratio is 100 to one, and the team to cubit ratio is six to one.  Jobu don’t do metric.

16 A window shalt thou make into the new league, and it shall measure two cubits and by two cubits Jobu means two rounds of an expansion draft, and thou shalt finish it during the Winter Meetings; and the door of the league shalt thou set in the side thereof and shalt be modelled after the free agency structure of the wicked PEBA, but thou shalt not make it with lower, second, and third stories, but rather shalt thou make it with a limited reserve roster.

17 And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of a new OOTP version upon the earth, to destroy all OOTP 16 data files, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the OOTP 16 shall die.

18 But with thee and with a cleansed PEBA and with a new World Independent League and some brand new PEBA GMs will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy franchise, and thy fellow surviving PEBA franchises, and thy fellow franchises’  minor league affiliates with thee. Except, like Selig of old shalt thou switch divisions and even unto switching from the Sovereign League unto the Imperial League, for thou hast been pretty awful in the Great Lakes Division, if Jobu is being honest.

19 And of every living thing of all teams relegated to the WIL, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee (except that Tempe franchises talent level doth look pretty sweet – of that franchise shalt thou bleed all of the talent that thou and thy fellow vulture GMs can find); they shall be hitter and pitcher.

20 Of Hitmen after their kind, and of Fishermen after their kind, of every creeping Statemen of the earth after his kind, and Maulers after their kind, and Ghosts after their kind, and a bunch of Knights, and two of every other sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

21 And take thou unto thee of all thy new media dollars, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for thee, and for them, but mostly for thee.

22 Thus did Wells; according to all that Jobu commanded him, so did he.