Updated: May 21, 2014

Roberta Umor, Yuma Sun

6 February 2020Yuma, AZ: The Yuma Bulldozer Owners Consortium, the group of local businessmen and women who own controlling shares in the ball club, today called a press conference to squelch all rumors about a blockbuster trade with the Florida Featherheads.

“We don’t know who done started these rumors, but they are false,” announced Consortium member Tammy Boomershine, owner of the local bowling alley. “And cocktail lounge, don’tcha forgit that,” Tammy added.

2009 U.S. Women’s Open Bowling Champion Tammy Boomershine

“But now about this here trade, we—and by ‘we’ I mean all of us Consorting members—we want ever’one to know that the Yuma Bulldozers are not now, nor will we ever be, tradin’ our #1 pitchin’ prospect, Victor Latham.”

“Ever?” one reporter asked.

“Well,” answered Mrs. Boomershine, a bit flustered, “not never in the forceable future, no siree.”

When asked who started these rumors, Mrs. Boomershine could only say, “It weren’t me nor my husband Budd, you can bet your bowlin’ shoes on that! We are too busy runnin’ a fine bowlin’ establishment to bother with any doggone rumors. Why it’s about as likely we done started that rumor as it is that Mayor Krieger will ever pick up a 7-10 split.”

Reminded that Mayor Douglas Nicholls took office back in January, Mrs. Boomershine spluttered a moment, then said, “Well, Former Mayor Krieger then, but he’ll always be mayor in my heart,” which sent the reporter from the Enquirer scrambling for corroboration that Tammy Boomershine was having an affair with the former mayor.

Mrs. Boomershine could shed no light on who started the rumor. Two other members of the Consortium present at the announcement, Max Woods and Mark Grain, owners of the Yuma Lumber Yard, confirmed Mrs. Boomershine’s announcement. “All the members of the Yuma Bulldozer Consortium emphatically deny the rumor of the allegations that trade negotiations were ever instigated.”

When asked to clarify that statement, Mr. Grain added, “We don’t know anything. We’re just repeating what we were told to repeat.”

The usual spokesperson for the Consortium, Emma Span, remained sequestered in her residence in New Jersey, unwilling to speak to the press.